Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Silence is a source of great strength.~Lao Tzu



My quotes for today:

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Contain your experience with the divine so that it does not escape you but rather shapes you. Be silent. Silence will help you avoid engaging in the games of competition and illusion that regularly seduce us in the outside world. Silence also helps you avoid distraction. It helps focus the busy mind---the mind that always has to be doing something, thinking something, the mind that always has to be otherwise engaged lest it become introspective and allow the soul's voice to override its own. The silence I am describing is a silence that you use to contain the grace you receive when you enter the Castle of your soul. This quality of silence allows you to engage in discernment. You carry this silence within you, even when you are with others. It allows you to hold your center amid the chaos of your life; it keeps you clear so that you do not do or say things you will regret or make decisions out of fear.
~Caroline Myss

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I been silent so long now it's gonna roar out of me like flood waters and you think the guy telling this is ranting and raving my God; you think this is too horrible to have really happened, this is too awful to be the truth! But please. It's still hard for me to have a clear mind thinking on it. But it's the truth even if it didn't happen.
~Ken Kesey (1935 - )
Source:
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Page: 13

***

Being silent for me doesn't require being in a quiet place and it doesn't mean not saying words. It means, "receiving in a balanced, non combative way what is happening." With or without words, the hope of my heart is that it will be able to relax and acknowledge the truth of my situation with compassion.
~Sylvia Boorstein

Source: That's Funny, You Don't Look Buddhist: On Being a Faithful Jew and a Passionate Buddhist, Page: 38

***

Good Wednesday to you all.

Ok, so yesterday I had to stop painting and working and fretting.

I needed some quiet time, inside myself.

This whole project is hard both internally and externally.

I even entertained the thought of giving up...for about 5 seconds. I never give up, it's always an option, but never a path I choose. I don't know how to quit.

I was thinking this morning when I woke up that I just need some silence right now...not complete outer world silence but some internal silence. That's a tough one for me personally, because I have a hard time stopping. I have a hard time getting quiet, on the inside. I have a very loud inner world...its a damn brass band marching around inside my head.

Wondering what it is all about this morning I thought I would study up on what it means to be internally silent. These quotes are what rang true for me today.

Working is never a chore for me, I grew up working and with people who valued working...working = freedom.

It's not the working, it's the time in between. The silence between the notes.

Sometimes I feel like my passions are eating me alive. I can't stop thinking, talking, and dreaming art. The studio calls to me and says, "hey you are not done yet! Get your Lilly white back in here!"

Until I master what I am after, I feel like I can never rest. I have not been sleeping well because of the internal art classes that reign over my dream state. I wake up and my hands are tired from holding a paint brush clutched in my grimy fist all night. At least in my dreams I am taking lessons from some really great teachers. I understand that I am harder on myself that the world can ever be, it's about self preservation. I grew up with very critical people who had tons of time to criticise but little love to give. So, I learned early on that if I am hard on myself it would probably save me a beating later on down the road. I became my own master, and slave. I am not blaming anyone for the crazy-ness that I live with internally...not at all. I am just trying to make sense of why I feel the need to push myself so hard and then not talk nicely to myself for working hard. I find that I still tend to call up what is wrong, or what I could do better, instead of talking up the hard work, the willingness to push and learn what is needed.

This "emotional trigger" is bigger than I thought. Of course.

In the past few years I have brought myself to a place where I live with confidence. Working through this is much harder than I thought, because I realize I have been avoiding it for about 25 years now.

I used to just state..."I don't do landscapes."

That my friends, is avoidance and ego.

I don't do landscapes because I have a huge internal scar about painting and art making in general. I am conquering it, I have been conquering it for years.

I know how to fight.

I am tired though, weary from the road. Triggers have a way of insisting that you deal with them, they just don't freaking die or go away.

Today I will work to silence the screaming, teeming masses inside my brain pan and just relax. If I paint, it'll be something I want to do, something that liberates. I often wonder if I'll ever get to the end of the road where I have mastered and slayed all the dragons. Maybe that's not my path, maybe I was born to slay dragons, or maybe this is the last dragon. Who freaking knows?

Well, I had better get on with my day...and see what happens.
I am entering the soul castle now...if I'm not back in ten minutes...leave me alone. :) Just kiddding. ;)

I hope you are all well, and having a great hump day.

Heather


6 comments:

Cynthia said...

Silence is golden and something that I don't often experience. In fact, I sometimes turn on the radio just so that it's not silent because it's easy to let outside stimuli entertain me.

I subscribed to your blog - but I never read it in my email box - it's more like my reminder to go read your newest post. I guess I don't like reading it in an email format because it takes away the experience of visiting your "home". I wonder if any of my subscribers feel the same way?

HMBT said...

I don't subscribe, I just add blogs to my blog roll and then check on them. My email box gets full enough every day! Sheesh! I do enjoy visiting my peeps in their "homes" though...I totally get you on that. Silence...I'm sitting in my studio, not working at all, and being quiet...no tv, no radio or music...nothing. It's nice here, I like it today. :)

BlueJude said...

Silence is a funny thing. I love when my house is silent (as it is rare with three kids)yet, there are times that when everything is too silent, that the voices in my own head just seem to get louder. And they usually aren't saying many positive things. In fact they drive me into an anxiety spin. Ahh well, just more artistic neurosis I guess. OK Happy Hump day to you too!

HMBT said...

Yes silence is golden...and having three myself...I can relate! I think its normal human behavior to spin ourselves round with self talk...we need the love and comfort of our family and friends to keep us in harmony with ourselves. Maybe it is just too much thinking, or neurosis...maybe...or maybe we must venture in, to find our way out. I'll let you know if I find the exit sign...wait is that a light up ahead? ;)

San said...

Heather, what a heartfelt post--my heart says amen. Here's hoping your ears are being tickled by soft laughter. Once that happened to me in a meditative art project--I began to hear feminine laughter, almost like little bells pealing in my ears. Quite reassuring...

HMBT said...

Hi San,
Thank you for your kind wishes and true words. I hope I hear laughter in my ear too...and soon! :)