Monday, November 29, 2004

OLD Notes!

NOTES TO THE NEW MOON

Fear is a cold and dry woman. I have slept with her hard breast pressed

against my back, her stringy arms around my waist. Her navel a piercing iron

mouth, pressed against my spine, slowly sucking my warmth, never taking too much,

for I was someone to feed her never-ending hunger; I was a good host. She caught

me while I was still young and tender. My marrow still growing and my

understanding slight. Her withered legs wrapped around my stretching limbs, she

was the tourniquet to my rising sap. I thought that pain was normal, what

everyone was feeling, what life was all about. It was what I saw all around- me; I knew

not of love. I can still smell the unsatisfied lust and need in her hair and I feel the

strength and ferocity of her embrace.

I learned as a girl what love was, (for me that is). I learned-that fear was the

only thing that you can trust, a base emotion that doesn't sneak out the back

door or leave you high and then below ground. I began to love my fear, I comforted

my self against those long years with the knowledge that I would I'd never be barren,

I always had my fear.
Something I could count on…
I could count on it in any situation, in the face of any
confrontation. I became reckless,
bold and indestructible.
Fear was my friend my solace.

I went deep sea fishing once, when I was 10; as we cleared the bar and

headed out into the open sea of the Gulf of Mexico, I remember thinking that we

had just left earth, safe and solid earth. Just the open sea and the sky, (remember

I was young).
I was shown by large men with callused hands, how to set out my line

and adjust the drag if I got a bite. They talked of putting the hook in

and when to ask for help-as-they patted me on the head-and laughed at my

eagerness. When I felt the first pull of the pole in my hands fear hugged me so

tight that my breath came in short bursts and my stomach lurched. I fought the forty-pound

pound grouper for 3 hours, and the whole time the men wanted and waited to take

the rod from my frail little girl hands. They encouraged- me to give up, to hand it

over to them; they would let me have the picture that they took of the fish at the

dock. Nobody would ever know that I didn’t bring it in by myself.
I was so scared, I felt as though that rod were part of my arms, the

line was coming from somewhere deep inside my belly, tethering me to my pride. That fish swam with its fear of death, and I hung on with my little girl fear. By the

time it gave up and rose to the surface I was tired, - bloody, sore and completely in love.
All of that battling and warring had taken my-fear and turned it into love for

that wonderful denizen of the deep. I had fought hard and won. I wanted

the fish thrown back, free to swim again in it's cold, deep blue home.
The men laughed and pulled (the not really all that large for a grouper) grouper over the side of the boat, and whacked it with-the gaffing hook.
Its giant lidless eye stared up at me, accusingly dead, and I cried. We were never enemies.
I have this dream periodically, the fish isn't a fish anymore, it's the

cold, dry woman.
I am still fighting her hard as she takes my line, and circles my back under my boat, diving

deep below me; engorged on my love and warmth, she hungry for more. Her

Capture means my freedom. I strap myself to this- back-less chair and take in my line

inch by painful inch, fighting when she is trying to rest, and resting when she is

trying to dive. I fight her until I pull her over the- side; hit her over the head and gut

her clean. I look for her eye, I feel good that I won. I have only just begun to leave

her and that life.

Combining faith with trust has brought me to the door of love. I have

through the years, been digging a well, one deep-and wide that has filled with the

Pure waters of my personal successes and failures. In that well, I dive from time to

time and soak up what experience has left me, and wash with the Sap of desire for

my future. On the sandy beach of my dreams, I lie in the sun and let the wind dry

Me, evaporating the pain of my past, leaving me lighter each time. I wish to be

whole, to be able to love; without fear of what could become of that love, or myself.

I am getting closer to that place. I am but a child of this world let me hold that

sweetness in my mouth for as long as I can stand it.

There is a saying that I am fond of, "You can't find out, until you go in." I am

on my way. ­

This column Orginanly published in The Deepwater Journal in Sept. of 98' Tampa Florida

I found this today, and thought how true it still is for me…I’m still on my way, and yes I still have this dream sometimes.
It’s still powerful and provoking for me. Have a great day. Heather

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Do you Want Fries with that Stress shake?

Today is May 26, 2004

Dear Heather,
WTF? Go write in your blog and feel better.
Love,
Your smelly self
***
I went to see a therapist today
For my feelings of anxiety and slight
Boughts of depression.
He told me that I just need a new set of life skills and he would teach
Me how to mitigate my
Symptoms.
I don’t want to mitigate or any such thing
I want to be cured.
Now.
***
So, he tells me to mitigate
Stressful worrying
I need to start with
Setting aside a block of time to
Just worry.
Lets say we will start with a
30 minute time out to worry.
He says, “pull out a timer and set it for a half hour.”
“Then worry about everything”
“Add a dash of writing”
“And try to get it all out
At once.”
I was doubtful
That a half hour would be enough.
Then I thought about maybe
I could have a heart attack while
I was
Mega Stressing.
Stressing to the oldies
The 6-minute Stress crunch
Stressing Jacks
I said, “hmmm doc
That’s an interesting idea.
I will give it a try.
Thanks for your time.”
And I left.
Thinking about when
I would pencil in my
Stress
Melt down
Break down
Stress Management isn’t so bad
After all.
You just have to make time for it like everything else.
Sex
Paying the bills
Grocery shopping
Taking the kids to school
Oh there it is
My half hour
Stress attack.
“Sorry Honey
Not now
I’m right in the middle
Of my nervous
Breakdown
Go ask
Daddy”
***
Needless to say
I just simply have not had the time to be stressed lately
So I guess I’m just going to have to
Put it off a little while longer.
I wonder who is supposed to be keeping track of my
Missed days?
What if I take a stress
Convention?
Holiday? Sick Day?
WTF?
I wish he had given me some drugs.
At least then I’d know what the hell to make of it all.
***
I have been painting a lot.
And I like the results I am having.
I just wish that I could paint all the time
Because that’s when my brain rests.
I have seen the drug commercials about
adult ADD
I am sure I have got it now
I don’t need the drugs; I just need to make enough money painting
So that I can afford
To justify spending all my time doing it.
I love the feeling that
Slips
Slides
Creeps along
My spine and shoulders
My brain stops
Working
Analyzing
Hearing
Hurting.
And I can float
Along in a nice place
Where everything is made up of
Color
Light and
Shadow
Tone and depth
Emotional release and peace
and happy
Happy
Happy
Heather.
I love to paint.
***

I love to write too.
And words are like a harder drug.
I really
Can move into another
Apartment in my mind.
I just go in sit
Down at the desk
And my life becomes
Fodder
Inspiration
For the keyboard to make sense of.
***

I wonder…
How do you feel
When you are happy?
Have you ever taken the time
To stop
and think
to Feel
Drink in
The physical
Sensations
that happen when all of you,
your full
being is happy
under the skin?
I did.
Do.
I feel that way when
my kids and I are really
Laughing from the gut
When my mate is kissing me
In just the right way
When my friend(s) can really understand
And be present with me.
When there is good groovy music one the stereo in the car
And it’s sunny and I am a hot gyrl driving fast.
And when I am painting.
So I paint every chance I get.
I am admitting my addictions
To you.
Paint and Sun and Sexy and laughing and Understanding.
What a junkie…I’ll take it.
***
I think that I am winding down now,
And guess what?
It took me almost a half hour to
Write this.
***

Dear Heather,
We have conclusive evidence that you need to write in your
Blog at least three times a week, and
Paint PRN. Results of following our scientific advice, will be
A better state of mind
And a Whiter Brighter smile.
4 out of 5
Mental patients agree.
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing in Truth,
H






Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Big Nothing

Today is May 19, 2004
I find that I can only do one thing well at a time.
I can paint or I can write
But I can’t do both at the same time.
So I have been painting like a mad woman
And unable to write.
This will be short as I can think of nothing witty
Or charming to say.
My head is full of painting,
Even right now as I write this
Note
I am thinking of my next canvas sitting in the studio
I can hear it calling to me
It says “ I’m all white fix me!”
I really have been doing pretty well the past three days.
My mouth has healed up pretty
Good from the surgery I had last week
I’ll have another round of surgery
In another week,
Yippee.
I have to have a bunch of stuff done
In order to save my teeth.
I have some strange growths in there
And it’s such a bummer.
My teeth are all in good shape, its not that they have rotted
Out or anything, I just have these strange growths
That show up in different places
At different times, and hurt like hell
And are usually not cancer and they have to be removed.
Whatever… we all have our burdens, this is one of mine.
I used to get really freaked out when something like this would happen
But now I just get done what needs to be done
And try not to think about it too much.
The biggest thing to overcome is the
Pain.
There is a lot of that.
This last time there were days when I didn’t want to even get up
Out of bed, but I did.
So overcoming pain is hard and I hate it
But I am a trooper
So I do it.
Other than that, we have been just cruising along, and I have been trying to recover and get back to the easel or furniture.
I have two paintings that I am really proud of right now,
They are posted on the appropriate pages within the site.
I also decided that I would start the Ebay machine
With a .99 cent opening bid all my posts there
This week.
I have four $1.00 bid so far.
I hope it gets better than that, but if not I’ll be happy to have sold something again, even if it is only for a buck.
I know they will be happy with their dollar art.
I also sold Moon and Fog
To a super nice lady in California.
She wrote to me and we haggled on the price
For the painting. It was great!
She got a deal, and I sold a painting.
Win-win. You gotta love that.
I can’t wait to hear from her when she gets the painting
I hope she likes it.
My kids are all well.
Mate Man is well.
So I guess that’s all for today.
I’ll try to write something more exciting than this soon.
I should run out of painting steam soon
And then it will be back to the world of words.
To my fans out there I apologize,
I have been a bad, bad blogger
Of late.
At least I’m painting and not whining about not being able to do that!
Love to you all.
H


Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Hound Dog, Hound Dog Where you been?

Notes To A New
Moon:
Today is May 11, 2004.

"Sanity is a choice."
~ Luis Villalobos
“Sanity is a cozy lie.
~Susan Sontag
"I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and not know it than to be sane and have one's doubts."
~ George Brown Burgin
(1856-1944)
English Novelist
"MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane."
~ Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
American satirist
from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
"It has been seen that the object of a sane upbringing is increasingly to direct all emotion towards objects which involve other people. Now basically the situation of being finite is an infinitely frustrating one, which would be expected to arouse sensations of desperation and aggression — as indeed it may sometimes be seen to do in very young children. I am aware that I must be careful, in using the word aggression, to state that I do not mean aggression directed towards people. What I mean is an impersonal drive directed against reality — it is difficult to give examples but it may be presumed that geniuses who are at all worthy of the name preserve a small degree of this. However, since all emotion must be directed towards people, it is obvious that the only form of aggression which a sane person can understand is aggression against people, which is probably better described as sadism or cruelty."
~ Celia Green
"The way to do research is to attack the facts at the point of greatest astonishment."
~ Celia Green
*************
Mothers Day was very nice.
I spent the day getting help
from all my men folk
doing all the things that I have wanted to
get done since we moved in here.
We have not unpacked the decorative stuff
Just the essentials
Because we have had so
Much living to do.
Life always gets in the way of
My decorating.
So that was great,
And because I wrote the Mother’s day part 1
Way before hand
(of the holiday itself)
it was mostly
Out of my head
I didn’t think about it all that much.
That’s why I have been gone from these pages
For the last few days.
I didn’t want to risk uncovering some
Nasty
Thing
And destroy what little calmness
I had created.
So
I didn’t
Write.
I wanted to
Write.
***
My middle child turned 7
The day before
(Mothers Day)
Yes, he was born on Mothers Day
7 short years ago.
One of my most painful presents
Ever.
We had a wonderful day
He got his first big boy bike
And learned to ride it in
Exactly
2 minutes flat.
He is now working on learning to jump
The curb and do
Pop a wheelies
Like his older brother.
All my children are magically gifted
I know all children are
But
Shut up…
My
Middle child is athletically gifted.
He never crawled
He was walking and talking
In sentences
(The sentences were mainly in what sounded like Dutch
We just figured he was channeling :)
He has always liked his Daddy Best
He cried for the first 36 hours of his life
He is amazingly full of
Power
And
Energy
He looks just like his daddy
When he was a baby we called him
The Nitro Baby.
He can play every sport there is
Within a few minutes of
Learning it.
He has an amazing arm
And can throw anything
With speed and accuracy
(usually at one of his brother’s heads)
He did not come with
Built in volume control.
He is a ball hog.
He is the pickiest eater on the planet.
Sometimes he makes us call him
The Game Master. When he is winning the
Video Games.
He is so special and
Full of life.
I love him so
He is my miracle baby
Now seven
They grow so fast.
***
I have been working on the mural project
The last few days.
I was
blocked
I had not come up with anything
As of yesterday morning…
I hate that panicky
Sick feeling
That tells you to hang it up
The muse is dead
You are a hack.
I was getting ready to call them and say
I am drawing a blank
You are going to have to find
Some
One
Else.
Of course
just as I gave up
I thought of a way to make it work
Yesterday afternoon
I think it will be lovely.
The mural is about
Life Skills
How apropos is that?
The Universe will always provide
That’s for sure.
***
No one has bought anything lately
I am in a bugger of a slump
As far as sales go.
What the hell is up with that?
I am terrific…go buy something!
Mama needs a new pair of shoes…
Literally.
My mates work schedule is all farked up
This week and I kind of like it
He works swing most of the time
I wish he could always work days
We see so much more of him.
***
I have yet to say anything of merit here
Are you disappointed?
How would I know?
You never write,
Or send flowers
Or write me love songs
Any m-o-r-e
Don’t cha know?
***
I have found some really great blogs
And web rings
New ones
I’ll add them to my page (s) later
You’ll like them too.
The next part of the life story is coming up
It’s sitting in queue
In my
Back
Brain.
I will let it out as soon as I know what it is
Going to be all about
Stay tuned for more
Dirt
Piles
***
Sanity
Is the subject matter
I am working on this week.
Finding
Searching
For
That comfortable
place
And its definition.
It seems to shift
for me constantly
Sometimes
I tell myself
(insert Theory of One here)
“self, you can’t be crazy
coz if you weren’ crazy
why then you wouldn’t be ah
havin this here conversation
with yourself.”
Or maybe
That’s crazy?
Sanity check
On aisle four!
That’s a
SANITY
Check On
Aisle Four
Please!
Oh never mind
I don’t want to hold up the line,
I’ll just put that back,
I didn’t really need it
Anyway.
***
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing in Truth,

H
***

Friday, May 07, 2004

Mothers Day Part 1

Today is May 6, 2004
I will start with a run
down of my day so far
Because I know you are
wondering what exciting things
Will happen to me today
Right?
Well, I did get to do
something really cool today.
I met with the people that
I will working with on a
Mural with for a
Local elementary school
It is the coolest school I have ever
Been inside of.
As an Art Magnet School
There is art of every kind
And relating to every aspect of learning
On every wall, and filling
Every cabinet.
I saw Georgia O’Keefe
Relating to math
And watercolors done with
Different techniques
And mixed media, and sculptures
Galore.
It was very fun to be inside
a place that really
Helps nurture the creator
In us all.
I loved it, I wish
I could be there every day.
I’ll be working with some pretty
Great people
Big and smallish.
I get to work with
Four super cool kids
I met three of them today.
By the time they left for class
I just wanted
To cancel the day and stay there and
Paint or make something with these
Totally cool people.
I think I would have liked to have been a teacher.
But, I’ll see them again in a week
And we will start painting in 4 weeks.
That will be fun.
They all have really cool names too.
Lucky kids.
Then I came home and took the
Little one for a walk
In the sunshine.
That was great too.
That’s it so far.
***
I spent the day
Yesterday
Being very busy
And harried.
I was thinking about something
In my back brain that
Didn’t really
Surface.
One of those things that
chews
at you
But you don’t know what it is.
Sometimes when I feel that way
I’m really getting stuff from the people
around me.
I feel other people’s feelings
Sometimes.
I can shield myself
Pretty well from feeling/hearing the people around
Me, but sometimes when I
Am preoccupied or in a lot of
Pain
it gets through.
So I kept telling my self, don’t worry its not you
It’s the kids because of them
Going to the dentist for the first time, and
My mates not feeling so great,
Because he had to get dental work done too.
Or whatever else I could tell myself.
But the pit in my stomach continued to
Grow, and I felt increasingly anxious
For no apparent reason.
the day went on.
By that night I was crying while
Watching A kid Movie.
I was feeling despondent,
Depressed, and scared.
I just couldn’t figure out about what.
Of course, no one around me
Ever knew I was feeling weird at all.
I can have all kinds of things going on inside
And no one would ever know.
I learned how to do that when I was a child.
This morning while I was taking a shower
(Thank you universe for small miracles)
I was listening to the local radio station
And they are doing a contest for Mothers Day.
You have to write a Haiku poem
About your Mom and you’ll win this great prize.
For Her.
A lot of them were funny, and some just stupid.
I was laughing along with them
And the next minute I was
Crying
Hard.
It came to me that I always get kind of freaky
Around this time of year
Or any holiday that may have something to do
With Me.
***
I have sweat running down my back right this minute
This is making me nervous just writing about it…
What will you think? I don’t care
I don’t care if your reading this, I don’t care if nobody is
This is my story, I will tell it and be done
I will end this here and now…
Watch out… some bloody bits are on the way
Stop here if you want
I want too.
Just do it…
Ok
***
My Birth Mother is/was
(I don’t know if she is alive or dead)
Not a stable Lady upstairs
Or in her heart.
She married my Father
And had me when she was twenty years old.
I was born in September of
1969.
Summer of Love.
Not for me.
She left and divorced my Father
When I was nine months old.
I have one solid memory of her
From when I was a little girl.
I don’t know if it’s real or not.
I don’t know if any of my memories
Are real or not
Sometimes
I mean really
It gets confusing.
She had had a dream
It was a message
From
God
That told her to pack she and I up and backpack to California
(we were in St Petersburg Florida at the time)
So she could become a
Star.
Had To Become A
Star.
It was a mission
A message
From
God.
I’ve never had a message from God
It has to be pretty compelling
I would assume.
My father did not want her to go
(of course)
And told her, that she could not take me with her
(he thought that would make her stay, it had nothing to do
with me)
She left both of us.
I guess
(this is where I don’t know what really happened)
she tried to keep in touch somewhat.
Over the next 13 years
I never heard from her.
I guess my Dad didn’t want me to
get those messages, cards and letters
That she sent
(or says she did)
because I never got
any.
There was a Mystery Christmas box I remember
When I lived in
Tennessee
I would have been 5 or six at the time.
I remember a bunny hand puppet; you know the one that
was on
Captain Kangaroo?
It was one that looked like that.
Was there A Kermit the frog too?
I remember having a Kermit the frog at that time too.
Maybe she gave it to me.
I didn’t know until 10-12 years later that
The box
had been from her.
My father remarried when I was four.
That was mom #2 but #1 in my mind.
I’ll tell the story of mom #2 later.
It’s just as bad.
Probably worse.
Anyway
(I feel like I need a drink now
and I wish I still smoked)
When I was twelve
I was searching in my parent’s bedroom
For some handy drugs, Money, or anything really.
They searched my room all the time so I felt free to do the
same to them
Most of my drugs came from them anyway, and I was
running low.
I had customers at the time and couldn’t find what I needed
On the street.
Drug dealers can be a unreliable bunch.
I wasn’t, I was a great dealer
I thought about my customers needs
And I made a lot of money.
Most of them were adults.
***
Back to my story,
I found the huge bag of the pink hearts that I was looking for
(I think they were stolen from the local hospital)
and also
A little pile of pink cards, in the bottom of a drawer.
When I see pink now my skin crawls.
Inside the envelopes were letters from my Mom
I had never seen them, and it didn’t look like My moms
handwriting,
She is a lefty.
This had palm trees and little people drawn on it and talked
about
Taking me to Disneyland, and spending the Summer with
me, on the beach
in California.
WTF?
I remember sitting there and smelling the envelopes
My little heart racing
My mind swirling
Who was this woman?
Where did this letter come from?
***
When my Dad Remarried
He told me that Mom#2 was my real Mom.
I don’t remember that, I only have
real memories of my time after Mom #2,
So I had always just thought she was my
Mom.
I didn’t know she wasn’t
That there was another one out there
And she seemed nice
She wrote me letters that smelled pretty
She had pretty handwriting
She said nice things to me
She wanted me
I wanted to be her daughter.
***
I put it all back and never said a word, to anyone.
Later in the same year
My Grandmother, my brother, my cousin, and myself
All went shopping together.
My cousin was sitting at the table in a restaurant
We had stopped at for lunch.
While he was chewing away and swinging his legs
He turns and says to me,
“I saw your Mom on that Movie last night on TV.
She was pretty. You don’t look like her though you look like
Uncle ___.” (my Dad)
I said, “what? My Mom wasn’t on TV last night, you stupid
head.”
“Yes, she was! I saw her, your REAL Mom! She had blonde
hair and she was pretty!”
“You are an idiot, you little turd, you did not see my
Mom
on TV last night, now shut up!”
My grandmother made us stop talking and eat our lunch
And you didn’t argue with my Nana.
So we ate.
When we got home, Nana called my Dad
And My Aunt.
And there were behind closed door shouting
matches between people in the family.
And No One said A word to Me.
My Dad Came and got us Early From my Grandparents
House.
We were supposed to have stayed the weekend.
I got some real nice new clothes though.
I don’t remember what happened after that.
I know we went home,
I know my Dad and
My Now I don’t know who the Hell you Are
Mom #2
Drank and More
I remember being really scared.
I woke up that night
And in my dark room
Someone
(a man)
Was sitting in a chair in the corner
in the darkest shadow.
I could hear him talking to me
real quite voice.
Almost couldn’t hear him, it was so low.
He didn’t know I was awake.
I don’t remember what happened after that.
Except for one sentence
“you won’t remember
this in the morning,
when you wake up
you will feel
relaxed.”
The next morning I
remember
the huge Dog we had
being sent in to
Wake me up.
My Dad always did that, he thought it was funny.
My 150 pound dog would jump on my
bed and painfully walk around on me
Scratching at the covers and my skin to dig
me out of the comforter.
While my Dad stood at the door
And Yelled “Get Her Sam!”
Then I have another big blank.
Head injuries do that to you.
***
At sometime
I decided to talk
to my cousin again or I talked to someone else
I can’t
Remember, really.
I just remember the
information.
My Aunt and her family had watched a pretty famous
(at the time)
Movie on TV.
And they had recognized my Real Mom in it.
Because of the stars that were in it, they were really excited.
She (Mom #2) had the only other female speaking role in the
movie (Besides the female Star).
They felt like they knew some one who was famous.
They waited till the end of the movie
(it’s a really long one)
And watched the credits to see if it was her.
It was.
She did not use a
Stage Name.
They had talked about this in front of my little cousin
he had asked questions
they had answered them honestly.
Thanks to my Aunt that’s how the truth had come out
About my Mom
About Me.
My Mom was a
Real Movie Star.
And she had written to me
And she really wanted me
She was the only one who did
Who wanted me.
So after I found out the truth
The family talked about it a little.
My father said she was a
crazy woman.
Who had left me?
Because
she got a
call from
God.
He told me he met my
(Movie Star)
Mom at a party,
That she had been high on LSD
That she was spitting on people
From the tops of doorways
(I don’t understand it either)
That she was crazy
That he was protecting
Me.
That I acted just like her
] sometimes
and that couldn’t be allowed
because he was protecting
Me
From
Her.
He had always taken care of me
and my Mom #2 was my
Real Mom Because she had taken care of me
All my life.
And my Real Mom #1 had disappeared anyway
since she
Had made that movie.
And No one knew where she was.
She was lost
To
me.
Wait!
I thought to myself
there was a return address on the letters
I wasn’t supposed to know about.
So I decided I had to find
Her.
Within a matter of weeks
I had devised a fool proof
Escape plan.
I stole my grandfathers van
Early in the morning
I was almost a 007 secret agent.
I had the shortest girl in school join me.
We went the wrong way
Heading for
California.
We crashed the van.
We got arrested in
Mulberry
For shoplifting
powdered doughnuts
in a gas station
across from the
cop shop.
My father and Mom#2
Had not noticed
that the Van or I were gone yet.
They were to hung over
That morning
from the drugs I had put in their
Drinks the
night before
so they would sleep
I had work to do.
I changed all the clocks
in the house
they got up
late.
I was in Mulberry.
The cops
called my house
and woke them
up
They came to get me.
Mom #2 slammed my head into
The dashboard all the way home.
About 20 Miles.
My Dad Beat me with the belt
Buckle End
Until I bled
A lot.
I screamed so loud the neighbors called the
cops
They came and talked to my Dad
Outside
He told them what I had done
They went away
Left me there.
I stopped screaming after that
Because I knew it wouldn’t do any
good
Anyway.
And if they came
It would get worse.
So I learned all about being in pain
And keeping quiet
And still
And
Quiet.
When the swelling went down
two weeks later
I went back to school.
I used a lot of drugs
never went to class.
My father hated me.
And told me terrible things at night
In the darkest shadow
Of my room.
When he thought I was
Asleep.
I never made it to
California.
I wouldn’t meet my Real
Mom #1
Until four years later
When I was 16.
Until my Father Really
Was done
With
Me.
***
Mother’s day is great.
If I can stay in the moment
And remember that this day is about
Me.
I don’t have any Mothers now.
Neither of those Moms had really wanted me then
And still don’t
Today.
My father still wants me
For His use
And
Needs
But don’t ask for anything in return
ever
He doesn’t give
He just takes
His Needs Are Always
First.
He is the King of Nothing.
He used to tell me that,
He would shake his empty Bourbon
Glass at me, the ice
Hard
tinkling
and boom across the room/house/yard,
“I am the king of nothing, and you are my pawn, go make
me a drink!”
I would always make a double
Even when he didn’t ask me too.
I was always waiting for him
To pass out
Or leave town
or
go to work
Just be gone.
Mom #2 too.
I am a good bartender
I know just how to make a rum and coke
And bourbon or whisky
So you will be asleep in two drinks.
I never drink
Anymore.
My Father
Is
Dead.
***
Mothers Day is hard for me.
Every holiday or event
That is supposed to be about me
I freak out.
I don’t want too anymore.
This story is my way
Out.
There are no more
Secrets
For
Me.
I am bringing out the skeletons
dancing with them
Bony knees
hard kisses
Fingers in the ribs
I’m going to nuke
Those
Sons of bitches.
I don’t want to ever go back.
***
I have not seen my Real Mom (#1)
For 14 years.
Last time I knew she was living here in puddletown.
I have an Aunt here too, a few of them and an Uncle
And grandparents.
They don’t want me either
No one talks to me
It’s too painful
For
them.
Big old family
I don’t know any of them.
I can’t remember their last names
So I can’t find them.
I did spend some time trying
To find my Mom #1
A couple of years ago.
I just wanted to know if she was
dead
Or
not
I kept telling myself.
I stopped when I realized
I didn’t know what she would be like now.
It scared me.
I won’t live in fear any more.
If they wanted me they
would have found me.
Cowards.
I’m done looking for people who wish
I had
Never
Been
Born.
Wanting them to
Love
Me.
***
So I do feel better, and I made it though
at least a small part of the story.
That’s what this is about anyway
Me
Surviving, succeeding, breaking the
Chain
Pain
Bonds
Ending my own torture.
Taking back my
Power
Of Control.
I never wanted to
Be a
King.
***
Just today, Just imagine,
Growing in Truth,
H

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Busy Busy, gimme a break

Today is May 5,2004
I have too many plates spinning today.
In Between
the dentist appointments for all the children
and
the work I am trying to complete
and
the world issues I want to solve
and
the shameless self promotion I need
to continue
and
my Ebay auction site being back up and running
and
I need to take a shower too.
So this will be short and sweet
I need a clone.
I need two more hands attached
some where
handy.
I need some one to buy something
from me today.
I need a new spine
mine is killing me.
I need roller skate feet.
Go see my Ebay stuff
and buy something.
That was a secret
psychic
subliminal
message
to your wallet.
Write to me,
Have you ever been too busy
for your own life?
Do you ever feel
sucked in
strung out
turdish?
I feel like a floater today
I think it will take at least one more cup of coffee to
bring me around.
I do have a quote for you today...
Here it goes:
"The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure
one of them is a match."
~ Will Rogers
Energy Quotes
I'm off to make fire!
What are you doing today?
Just today, Just Imagine.
Growing in Truth,
H

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

The Adventure Begins for our Trusty Heros Mate Man And Hot Grrl

Today is May 4,2004
I have been dreaming of sex
every night for the last week.
I wonder if that means I am getting
too much
or too little.
I have been dreaming
of me and my mate
watching a lesbian
orgy.
We have a great time with each
other and watch the "show",
hey, it's just a dream...get over it.
I miss touching boobs, just a little.
I was a lesbian for many years.
When I met my mate
I was dating a nice-ish
butch Lawyer Dyke
that liked her sex way
too rough for me.
Plus she was wacky,
not in a good way,
I was trying to figure out how
to break up with her
when Mate Man came on the scene.
Actually, my mate is only the third
Man I have Been Serious With.
(the other two were when I was A teenager)
I don't generally find Men attractive
beyond friendship levels.
I have slept with a lot of both sexes
but men were only when I was really young
and trying to figure out the world, and
my place in it.
I was molested and raped
by both sexes as a child.
You would think that would
make me not want anything
to do with sex.
I like sex, now.
(after lots of Therapy... Thanks Doc!)
But Men do tend to
freak me out, in general.
(Except Faggs...I love Flame Boyz!)
I thought that women had to be
"safer" as sex partners,
for lots of obvious reasons.
Then I grew up and found out that I
was the one that was
unsafe,
because I sucked
at picking sane and safe partners
no matter what their gender.
Mean people really do suck.
When I met my now
Mate for Life
we were working at Brandon Hospital.
(that's in Florida, for those who care)
I was working the graveyard shift
on the Mother and Baby Floor
and he was the graveyard
lab supervisor.
He is the best
Vampire I have ever seen.
He was the one that all the
straight single nurses were talking about.
I was trying to hide my sexual preference
from all my co-workers
Because the level of Bigotry
in Florida about Queers
is almost unbelievable.
(All you Southern Florida Dykes
Know what I'm Talkin bout, Yeah Sista
It Sucks in SwampTown bein A Queer.)
Being that I worked on a womans floor
it was so much more important
that no one know that I
was A Huge Flaming Dyke.
They
were so perverted!
Like I'm gonna think cleaning
up a woman after childbirth
was some kinda sexy.
Wackos.
None the less I needed my Job
to take care of myself and my
oldest son.
I was sent down to the lab
with a rush order on some
14 year old crack Mom Pee.
(so they could prove that she was high
and snatch her newborn baby from her)
As I walked into the lab
There was this big
bald, guy standing behind the counter.
There were so many overhead lights in that place
he looked like he had a halo
because of the lights bouncing off
his big ole bald head.
(I think Telly Sevalis was hot)
And I saw a ring of
light around his whole being,
really...
He was glowing.
We exchanged pleasantries, but
he was not in charge of menial tasks
such as documenting,
the incoming crack mom pee.
So some chick stepped up to help me.
He says that as soon as I left he went
to the log book to find out
where I worked and
who I was.
That night he did rounds in
ICU and No-natal. Those are at the other end of
the Floor I worked on.
He looked Real Nice in the lab coat and scrubs.
All the nurses started talking as soon as
he left our floor.
He did make a point of finding me
(I was hiding in the back reading)
and saying Hi.
The nurses were in a tizzy.
He was trying to break it off
with one of the L&D nurses
at the time.
He had not looked for her
but he did find me
and everyone noticed.
Long story short
he started trying to find me
whenever we were on the same schedule
and he had rounds on my floor.
I thought he was nice,
but not like more than friend nice.
( I wanted to do him, just because he is hot,
but in the lesbian world,
generally speaking,
good lesbians don't crush on boys)
As I mentioned
Before
I was a Practicing Lesbo
and not "Looking"
especially not for a Man.
(I had been exclusive to Grrrls
for more than 6 years at that time)
The nurses kept telling me that he would
make a great husband, that every one
of the single nurses
(that were not gunning for a doctor that is)
were trying to catch his eye.
That I should "go for it".
Yuck!
(just as a side, the "nice guy" Label sucks tough
titty, because those "good" guys never get any and end up
with lots of female "friends")
So, I started having breaks with him, and dinner
in the cafeteria and smoke breaks.
He is really very funny
and he tells the most terrible dirty jokes
(I didn't like that part, and told him so,
I was a prude back then)
And He was just sweet and nice
and HOT.
It took some of the pressure off of me at work
to explain myself all the time.
So, he finally asked me out on a date.
I stood him up.
He forgave me and asked again.
I stood him up again.
But the second time I called
from Naples
I was partying with a group of rich
white dykes...
And I felt bad about standing him up again.
I'm not a heartless monster, don't you know.
We talked for four hours.
I finally told him why I was
standing him up all the time.
Because I don't like boys.
He took it in stride, said he understood
and said that he wouldn't
mind still getting together for
a friendly lunch.
I could even Bring my Son.
So, we went to lunch.
We talked, he was great with my son.
We talked about my life
(just a little)
and his
(just a little)
and started to really get to know each other.
(still doing that getting to know thing BTW)
He said that he wasn't concerned with me
being a queer, he just thought I was cool
and wanted to get to know me, even
if it was just for friends.
He has a hard time making real friends too.
So I was happy that I had found a friend.
One that I didn't have to lie to.
Then he went and said something that
really changed my life.
We were sitting there,
with our
Fried Chicken Salads and Beer
at Tadpoles
in Valrico
and we were talking about
Love Relationships.
(I had just escaped from my crazy dyke lover,
of five years,
and run away back home to Florida from Portland)
I was saying how I didn't
ever
want to be in another long term relationship.
I just wanted to screw around, conquer some chicks
and have some fun.
And He said,
"You know,
Falling in Love is not
an act of Surrender."
That may not mean anything to you
but at the time, it was pure
magic for me.
I thought about that for days and days after that.
Actually that moment was when I stared to recover.
I was in such a dark and tainted
place inside.
I felt that I was
unlovable
ugly
stupid
inept
and bound to continue being a failure.
It was that moment that I
thought to my self
"Hey, now what's that mean
and why did it have such a huge effect on me?"
I went out with him again.
After a Couple of un-dates,
I realised that I liked him
as more than a friend.
I told him.
He was glad.
It took 6 more weeks before I
slept with him.
I was nervous I wouldn't like boy parts anymore.
So was he.
(scared I wouldn't like it)
Let me tell you,
I still don't find men attractive in that way.
But he rocks my world.
I mean really rocks my world.
Like OH LORDY GRRL!
He asked me to marry him six weeks later.
I'll tell that story later.
It a good one too.
It took me three+
years to say yes. He waited.
We have been together for almost nine years now.
Married for 5.
I won't let him call me his wife.
So we are mates.
That's how he became Mate Man
and I am of course,
Hot Grrl.
We cruise chicks together,
and I'll only watch lesbo porn with him
(I still don't like it all that much)
and we can talk about anything because we
are friends and lovers and parents
together, and we don't have to lie.
I have been able to continue my recovery
from my past abuse
and not miss a step.
With him, beside me, always
and trust me thats not always
pretty.
I am now a humanist.
I don't really belong with the
queer population, anymore.
I miss them,
but they don't want me because I'm
sleeping with a boy, it's even
worse that I
breed
with them.
And I don't belong with the straight
population, because I'm not.
(straight in any way)
And The Bisexuals that I have met
have been swingers.
I am not, I am into monogamy.
The Drag Queens and
Transgendered folks have
always been open to my freakism
but how do you meet them in the real world?
Abuse survivors don't talk, so how do I reach them?
So... where, Oh where, am I to
make friends?
Well, it's harder than it was in high school.
(I didn't do well then either, My Dad Kept sleeping with all
of my friends, and teachers and all the single Moms of my
friends, that bastard)
So, I don't have many social
contacts.
It can be very lonely.
I wish this world was easier to fathom.
So, now you know even more about me,
how about giving me a little
info that is, about you.
Can you relate?
Are you Lonely tonight?
Have you figured it all out?
If you know any answers,
take pity
please let me know.
I guess thats all for today, folks.
I have work to do.
So I better get to it.
I'll post what I get done today In
Works In Progress
later, tonight.
I will be online at
8:00- 8:30pm PST, if
you want to tell me it all.
Later all,
Just Today, Just Imagine
Growing in Truth,
H
P.S. I just finished reading and
getting approval to publish
this story from Mate Man,
I was just being all sexy and stuff.
(I read it to him in bed)
He laughed and liked it.
As I was being all saucy,
I turned around and tried to walk
real slinky away from him.
You know the one that goes
the walls are made of magnets
and your hips are made of steel.
I am good at this one.
He started Cracking up...
That was not what I was going for.
He came over to my now,
totally deflated self,
and pulled a long tail of toilet paper out
of the back of my pants.
I guess I didn't notice that
the last time I was in there.
He
is the really funny one
and Said,
"Oh Hot Grrl!
Wait! You do have a tail!"
I almost broke my arm
falling down
laughing.
Just you wait Mate Man,
Just you Wait.
H

Monday, May 03, 2004

Sex Fest 2004 and the rest of the weekend

Today is May 3, 2004
Today I Have spent too much Farking
time on this web site.
I have been rebuilding my new page
(not this one)
because it crashed over the weekend.
I am such a genius
I had to make it harder
(than the first time I spent 4 hours building a page)
and try to improve this one while I was at it.
So, to your right
(insert Vanna here)
you will see some of the blogs
I am currently addicted to.
You will be too
I am sure of it.
My weekend
went so
well
that I have nothing charming to say.
My mate and I spent as much time together
and as naked as possible
(that was the best part)
and the kids all had their own things
going on.
Thanks Universe!
I needed that break, it's been weeks since I could
relax.
Today I am trying to finish the table
that is on the
works in progress page
I changed it again...
This is My Third attempt at the top
I want to kick it.
It's Mocking me from the studio
I can hear it giggling at me when I walk by.
I say "you talkin to me?"
real threating like and it just sits
there, damn table.
I also decide to start making
floor cloths again
I'll be working on the first
in my new line of
Slobber Mats
for all our pets.
And Under the Trash Can Mats
for our homes.
I love making these
little rugs
I will probably do some place mats
and such for the outdoor
weather we are having of late.
Look for those in
"Other Art".
Other than that
today is the last of a
string of pretty days here in puddle town.
I intend to get out in it before it
fizzles out.
I will try to remember to take pictures of my work today
and then remember to sit down and futz with them
and upload them
all for you guys
(Gosh) I love you Man.
No really, just because some of you have asked for
more current pictures...so
I'll get on that asap.
(watch me now)
Would you all My Wonderful Regulars mind
letting me know how this new page is looking
to you?
Do you like it better?
Tell me you Love me...
Oh Oops!
I lost my train of thought again...La LA LA...
It was a Very Nice Weekend!
Later All,
H

Friday, April 30, 2004

WHY I am GOD

Notes To A New Moon:
"God is dead."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche, 19th century German philosopher
Nietzsche liked to say that he delivered his philosophy "with a hammer" and
was certainly looking for an immediate response from his
"God is dead!" statement.
Now to this whole death of God business!
Nietzsche's philosophy paints the portrait of his ideal man: the "Overman":
an individual who, through self-discipline and his "will to power" has overcome
his social conditioning and is, in Nietzsche's words, "beyond good and evil"
and no longer needs God (or anyone else for that matter) to tell him what is
moral.
Hence, the Overman lives.
God is dead.
~Brian Johnson
*********************************************
Today is April 30, 2004.

I wonder what George Bush would have to say about this quote?
(This left over question still stands today.)
I watched Frontline last night about the "Jesus factor" in the presidents’ politics.
I guess that his religious beliefs must in line with his God, the God of fire, destruction, lies
and chaos.
Another fine example of why I am not going to connect myself with anything that even
remotly resembles any of that.
I don't believe in a God.
I believe that I am God.
A God.
In the flesh, you are too.
Take your finger off of the panic button.
There will be a Quiz later.
We all are, some fight for good others evil...its all pretty simple.
All you need is some magical powers.
(All of the most fashionable and popular gods have name brand ones...don't you know)
I got mine at a discount place, but they work pretty well anyway.
You don't need name brand magic...
The generics can work just as well, in the right hands.
I pray everyday (to myself I guess) that we will get rid of Bush.
I am afraid of what we will get next though.
I'd rather have a sex addict for a president than a murdering, rich, white daddy's boy.
Make him a "born again" white guy and now we can all die poor and happy, and
appropriately under his thumb.
But he doesn't drink anymore, so it's all good.
Here in America it seems we only like sober power drunk leaders.
OK, I'm purged of the evil Bush, for now.
If you ever do just one thing in your future life to make your home a better
place, make it voting
and talking about things with your friends
and neighbors and family (if you can take that) don't ignore whats happening, the future
is no place to put your better days. (Thanks Mr. Matthews)
Act Now, while you still can
(Announcers Voice)
Now dismounting with a double flip off of the Soap Box, it's super gyrl!
(The French judge gave her a 10 and a spank on the bottom :)
I just offered to paint a table for the local
Beat ( I think they should add the word the here)Bush campaign...
I told them I would donate it, but they would have to use it in the office, I'll paint
something rich with colors...and satire. I'll go double barrel..rebel with a cause.
It'll be great...I'll post it when it's done, if they accept my offer.
I hope they do, I really want an excuse to paint something like that.
(imagine squiggly lines here)
Yesterday, my oldest had a big old zit on the back of his neck.
He came to me so I could look at it.
So, (of course and without a real warning) I squeezed the crap out of it.
He ran away, screaming non-nice things at his loving Mother.
My five year old followed him into the bathroom, and gravely informed him
"Oh, we forgot to tell you, If you have a zit, don't go to Mom, she always squeezes too
hard and it hurts, go see Dad." The oldest just said "thanks man" real serious like.
Just two brothers 10 years apart in age, knowing the truth of their repressed Mothers
need to Squeeze the living shit out of something.
OCD on the zit popping...I just can't get any fun around here.
I about peed myself giggling.
They don't know I heard them. It's great.
Yesterday, I spent the day, cooking and doing laundry. The two great highlights of
my life...not.
All though, because I only cook a few days out of every month (I have cooking days
and make two weeks worth of breakfast, supper and dinner items and freeze them) it can
be a fun day.
I made 5 separate batches of muffins, cakes, and brownies.
The boys had a frosting and decorating party after school.
A huge bunch of Bean and Barley (with chicken this time) stew.
Grilled Chicken with red mashed potatoes and green and yellow beans.
Hamburgers and fries with corn on the cob, and chicken burgers too.
Twice baked potatoes in two flavors, broccoli and chili.
And some other stuff too.
The men in this house (4 of them)
all hide their favorite meals from each other
and make a big deal about their food.
It's very flattering.
I enjoy the praise.
If I were cat I'd Purr.
You just don't get the same kinds gratitude for lets say, laundry or house cleaning.
My family thinks its a pain when I clean, because I expect praise for a job well done...
Hey Now!
I give it to them...why not, it's that or they can throw money...I'm not all that picky.
I will be painting today, after some errand running this morning.
A really nice guy from my freecycle group is dropping of a used computer for my kids
(free) later today; they will be so excited about that tonight.
I love freecycle, you should check out if there is one in your neck of the woods.
In my part of the world I am known as "the " freecycle artist because, I joined early in the
life of the group and because I am always asking for broken doorknobs and toys and
stuff.
They all get a kick out of finding "garbage" for me to use, it's a great thing...look into it.
I am feeling like singing today, so I'll put on some Annie (Lenox) and maybe the
soundtrack from the end of the world and even cowgirls get the blues.
I'm making Italian polenta chicken for dinner (my mates and my oldest favorite, it takes 8
hours to cook).
And I'll be thinking of you out there, if there is any one out there.
Wondering what you are thinking about today,
worrying about today, being happy about today.
I am thinking that it's good to be
God.
God Of Me.
Sol is shinning, and my feet are tapping
and I wonder what it is that will happen today.
Tell me about yourself.
Come on Man (or Beast)...Do it now!
God has spoken...
Poop... Nobody ever listens to me.
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
H

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

RE: EVIL

"The great epochs of our life come when we gain the courage to rechristen our evil as
what is best in us."
~ Friedrich Nietzsche, 19th century German philosopher
*********************************************
Today is April 28, 2004.
I wonder what George Bush would have to say about this quote?
Hi folks, its just me your mad monkey sex kitten, all tarted up for you after a hard day in
the salt mines.
I am sitting here, in my paint-crusted clothing
After a marathon of clothes folding, dinner making, children washing, kitchen cleaning,
evening of fun with the boyz. What more could a gyrl ask for?
Well let's not go down that road tonight...I have to tell you, I have been looking forward to
getting a moment to write today, but I don't have a clue as to why.
I dimly remember something this morning at 7:00ish (thanks honey!) through the fog of
coffee and breakfast, forgotten homework, MIA shoes and lost library books.
I can't for the life of me remember what it was now.
I had this quote picked out though, and I guess
I have been working on re-birthing myself...I wouldn't call it a christening.
I have been baptized and christened by several of your more popular religions and this
isn’t that.
This is not something I think about every once in awhile, I'm forcing myself to live it, every
freaking second of it baby.
I'm might be a little tense and tired...I don't know what do you think?
Today was good; I accomplished tons of stuff, but not all of it.
Well, I got to have enough for tomorrow.
Idle hands...you know the rest.
Pig and a Poke, I have been craving a cigarette for the last three days.
I have been quit of the tasty brown leaf for 9 months. I even managed to loose weight
while doing it.
It still sucks to be a non-smoker, sometimes.
Most of the time it rocks, and I don't have to stink or die.
(Yet) Well, isn’t that something...huh?
I don't think re-christening my evil is a good idea.
I mean as far as a human insight, I'm clearly not getting it.
My evil? I mean really, who wants to see that again?
I am from the (well known for it's intellectual giants) city of Seffner.
Where all your dreams do come true.
I may be pushing my limit here on the humor...slow down gyrl pace yourself.
No, really...
Ahem!...I am not too tired to be serious here, I understand that if we can take a real hard
look, into the dusty back corners, and change what lives there for the better, well...then
you get a spiritual get out of jail card...and you get to move it on up, to the next level.
I can hang with that.
What I am thinking is... That's what I am doing, by living in the moment...just trying to
change the dusty, smelly parts of me as they surface.
Instead of going and poking around, lifting up booby-trapped doors and looking under
the beds.
When I am presented with an ”educational moment" in my life,
the opportunity to grow, let's call it, well then, I take it.
Even when it sucks, even when it's inconvenient, even when I want to run away and
escape, I just stand still.
I let it happen, I try to manage to destruction (if there is any) or chaos with clarity.
What the hell, I don't want to do that, I want to get plastered and get laid and forget all
about it.
But that wouldn't get me anywhere (well maybe somewhere:) now would it.
I have done that, and it didn't work either.
This method seems to be working pretty well for me.
I like looking at the masters of our species (philosophically speaking of course...back
away from the whip...) and trying to understand their gifts of theory and wisdom in my very
modern, godless, world. I get it.
So, tell me...excite a socially starving grrl, what Evil do you need to re-christen?

I propose a toast!
Here's to the next Great Epoch of our lives!

Cheers!
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
H

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The Cherries and the Pits

"Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is...The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds."
~ Dan Millman, 21st century philosopher
The Dalai Lama says it another way:
"Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional."
Today is April 27, 2004
Again, what a difference a day can make. I spent the day, yesterday feeling, shocked, scared, and all alone.
This morning I am looking out from a new interior window, looking out from my internal basement.
I don’t want to seem like a Drama Queen, it’s just that I have come to the realization that I was not meant to have a life filled with real people, many years ago.
I accepted the fact that my limited ability to Truth was going to keep me somewhat isolated, from the rest of the world.
I hate to lie, and live lies.
My mate and I sat around discussing this fact for hours last night.
I am grateful that he does not think my reaction to my friends and my conversation an over reaction.
I just whittled out all extraneous people in my life, a long time ago, so that I only had these people that I trusted in the inner circle.
They know the real me, with my real past.
So I could relate to conversations with real experiences and real emotions.
No lying.
I hate to have to lie, to be acceptable (to society), because that means that I will never be able to really know that person, or if after a long time of knowing someone, I let out a little of my secrets, to gain a closer bond with that person, I have found that they usually react with alarm…”I don’t know you at all…do I?” is the question that I get, or just shock and then the questions begin “why did you lie to me?”… Always going farther than I feel comfortable going, or they get greedy and want the “dirt”.
So, I just never let anyone in, and then I don’t have to be “fake” at all and yes, it is lonely, but at least it’s true.
I guess that’s what makes me love words and books and writing so much.
Here I am just me, and I make no apologies for my life.
I don’t have to make up a life story that goes “over” better in the world. And I don’t have to worry about who is profiting from my story…it’s just me here, I don’t even know you, if there is anyone at all reading this anyway. It’s not about you, I’m giving you the dirt, but I am the one profiting here, if you get to feel better too, well that’s just hunky dory.
I can just be me, and not have to remember who I told what, and keep it all straight.
I adopted a “standard” story many years ago, because I went into business for myself.
You would be amazed at how many times you get asked “so, where you from originally? (Florida) Oh, well why did you come here? (School) Oh, really what school did you go too? (PSU) Oh, that’s great; I have a (fill in the blank) that went there, when did you go? Did you ever meet so and so?” I could go on…you get the picture.
You even get those “background” questions when you meet people for the first time, and just talking about my most recent past can be tricky…I mean a real conversation opener is, “yeah, I had a great little business two years ago, but then the bottom dropped out of my life and we ended up almost homeless and begging for food.”
That’s a real mood killer.
Now we just keep to ourselves, and I felt lucky to have found two people on this rock that I could trust with my history, my life, past, present and future.
I could relax with them, and know that they could relax with me too.
I can just be me…I’m pretty cool most of the time, and mostly sane…the wacky parts make me fun, not sick and twisted.
I could be comfortable because they know my rules…of conduct…I only have a few, for my non imaginary friends…one: don’t make me feel trapped (mentally or physically), two: don’t tell me what I must do (give opinions or advice but no orders), three: Don’t hit me (verbally or physically) and four: don’t judge me or lie to me.
Give it to me straight.
That’s pretty easy I think, except that I can feel peoples inner turmoil…I get a sense of what’s going on inside of them, I can spot a dangerous person or a liar from ten paces…really, I can FEEL them.
So, it’s hard to not be honest with me, because I’ll say something like “I’m feeling like you are not telling me something, I feel your tension (or I’ll give them the spot on their body that is freaking out, like… “I feel that pit in your stomach, or, your heart is pounding, what’s wrong? What is it?” My kids hate this; my teenager tells me it sucks, but only sometimes.
And usually I get the answer…it throws people for a loop when they can’t lie. Now, people I don’t know, and that don’t know me, I never say a thing to.
I just go on like any other non-empathic person.
I also feel truths about people when I touch them. If you are someone that has become a person that I LOVE, I can’t not feel what’s going on inside of you. I just know. That’s what happened with my friend…that’s what I mean by what I “felt”.
I felt judgment, even though her words were saying different.
I have never felt her lie to me before.
I also got images of her talking these things over with her therapist…like she has had to work on this “issue” before she could bring it to me.
I have no problem with any of that…just that now I know why she has been avoiding me.
She knows I can “read” her and did not want to deal with it, until she… did.
So, I just want to say for the record…I am OK. She is OK. My life will be OK. I just had to go through some growing up (again dammit!) yesterday.
I had to realize that there is no perfect relationship, no matter how few you have. I had to realize that I am not as whole as I thought I was. I had to get a grip on my continued human frailty, and bring down the walls a little more. I had to look at my yucky spots (again…dammit!).
I had to purge the stuff I collected from her (internally).
I had to realize that I have a long way to go.
I had to get a handle on my “issues” with the world, my freaky past, and myself.
I had to realize that I might not ever, really not be alone, inside. The Theory of One is a tenuous agreement between the me’s.
I had to realize that there is no free lunch baby, that everything comes with a price, and for her I would pay any price, because I love her. I love her. I love her.
So we grow, pain is inevitable, suffering optional.
Here is to accepting our lives in the unfolding, with as little resistance as possible.
Now get out of my way…I have work to do.
My head did not explode, and I put the warning robot back in his bay.
I didn’t plug him back in…Life with out the danger signals…what a concept. Like free falling through reality…dude I inhaled way too much, in the day. (That was my 12% for the day)
I’ll still keep the burglar alarm on though...you can’t be too careful, and I don’t need any intruders right now.
I’ll just paint…
Right after my Gyno appointment, “Hi doc, how’s tricks?”

Monday, April 26, 2004

10 reasons why I hate Being A Grown UP

Today is April 26, 2004.
WARNING THIS MAY NOT BE A FAMILY FRIENDLY POST!
Well... What a Difference a day can make.
I want to scream, rip my hair out and stomp my feet.
I spent time with a dear friend last night, and for the first time ever I felt judged by her.
I may be feeling something that's not even there.
I may be coming at it from the wrong angle.
I tried to live in the moment while a difficult moment passed between us, a moral dilemma, which I thought we would never face.
For all these years, she has been the one person who I have never felt judged by. It became a measuring stick for all relationships that have followed.
What will I allow personally from someone (cause now I know what is healthy and what is not, for me, just me not you), and what can I truly accept from someone else?
I have a problem with taking on the responsibility of others people’s feelings, or more clearly put, how they feel about me.
I have the hardest time with absolute TRUST.
I have never lived an "honest" life.
I have had the shittiest of lives.
That type of personal history is seen in just a few ways in this "real" world.
That I have a "poor me" complex, because when pressed in social situations to divulge some story about myself, I am faced with two choices...tell a "real" story that relates to my "real" past or LIE!
I usually Lie.
I come up with a purely fictional story that is appropriate for the situation, and makes me "normal" because of a shared social experience.
It is easier, more socially acceptable and has fewer judgments attached to it. It makes me a lier though and that's hard to live with.
It makes it hard to keep it all straight, it becomes a way of life.
It becomes a life, the made up past starts feeling more real that the real past.
Well, what the hell...what would any sane mind do? You want to freaking carry that shit around with you?
Because people either think I'm "using" my past to get what I want, (I have always wondered why Because I was Tortured As A Child That Makes Me LESS Trustworthy As A Human Now) or they get really interested in my yucky-ness because its exotic or some shit.
In other words it makes them feel better about themselves, because their life seems easy in comparison.
I affectionately refer to this type as an "Ego Feeder", as in feeding theirs, not mine.
Or they just see me as PREY.
Fresh And Tasty.
I am a weirdo Magnet.
So, I have realized that to have a true relationship with anyone is quite difficult for me. Needless to point out that this is what this experiment is all about for me.
living real, and in the moment, because really, that's the only "safe" place I have internally or externally.
I only trust people that...well, you know I can't even finish that farking sentence right now. My heart is pounding now, a steady tempo in my back brain.
I want to scream, and hit and tear my hair out.
I am frustrated, I am angry with me not HER.
I am mad because even though I sat their in her living room last night, and said, "I'm not going to be responsible for how you feel about this, I hear you, I am not judging you, I am just not going to take on the burden of feeling badly because you are holding these feelings about me. I hear that you are saying that you are not judging me."
I LIED!
I did bring it home, it is living in my chest, and is coiled up like a snake, and it’s squeezing the holy living shit out of my heart.
And I am doing it to myself.
I am waging a war with my internal garbage truck...holding up my hands...screaming over the backing up beep-beep-beeep...Not Here, Don't DUMP THAT SHIT here! Of course the people in my head...they have freaking selective hearing, and they just make a mess any old damn where they please. Bastards...traitorous Bastards.
So, wiping my nose and feeling disconnected and numb, I'll end this post because it’s not going to make me feel any better either.
Emotional crisis, breakdown...DANGER Will Robinson...DANGER.
My heads going to explode.
It will pass. I can make it through this, feeling...like there has been a death.
I am that Warrior...this is my battlefield...I will not be defeated, I just don't know if I will ever be able to trust...is it possible, to not get hurt when offering your heart?
I guess not, "YOU! Stop your Sniveling and Get up and go do Something that is Meaningful and Constructive." (That is part of my internal dialogue) I don't want to live in this moment... it sucks, and I hate it, so there.
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
H

Sunday, April 25, 2004

The Stinky Cheese Award

I have a new Bio.
I like it better than the long, boring one that is on my front page.
I mean what more can I say that has a key word in it?
This one is closer to the "truth" of that which I am.
Here it goes...let me know what you think.

Upper Middle Class White-ish Trash From Seffner Florida.
Self Indulgent, Self Taught, Self Representing Artist/Writer.
Reporter Grrl On The Front Lines Of Ordinary Life.
Research Subject found to be only 12% humorous.
Midol is my drug of choice.
The Talking Heads, Stripper Music, Ska, Shawn Colvin, and Lyle Lovett are what I listen to, most of the time.
My Uniform for life: 501's, T-Shirts, Black Leather Men’s Coat, and all my Shoes are Black.
An Adventurer Looking For Treasure.
Mother, Mate, Semi-Social Creature of the Deep.
Freak Lover.
I never watch T.V. except for Survivor, The Donald, and Nova.
I read 15 Sci-Fi or science related books a Month.
Not into Star Trek, except for the scenes with klingon sex in them.
Psychic or Psycho depending on how you see things.
Very Spiritual Non Church Goer.
Anti Two Party Political Position, I have a problem with Authority.
Prefer Quality to Quantity.
Hell Raiser Wannabe.
That’s much better... feeling more like myself, its a good thing.
Have a table calling to me in the studio, I was thinking of doing a Japanese design on the top, but I can't really see that now that the primer is on.
I think it’s going to be a sun and sky thing.... maybe a sun tree, with several moons in the background, or maybe a dog.
I don't know, I am just going to go paint and see what happens, I'll post pictures of what I get done today on the work in progress page...that’s always fun to watch me change my mind 40 times...and then not follow the plan anyway. I have picked up some CDs at the library; today I'll be listening to Toni Childs' "Union". And Cat Stevens...I'm feeling mellow, my kids are busy or gone... Wahoo!
Later, H

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Moon Notes from the archive

Socrates: "Know thyself."

Emerson: "Trust thyself."

In my mind, those four words come close to a complete philosophy on how to live.
Add a fifth word: "Love" and I think we might just be there...
Try it out. Let me know what you think.~ Brian Johnson

As I "flesh out" into this new skin of mine, I am thinking of the past and how I have participated in my own tragedies. We all have conflict, issues and moral dilemmas. Practically everyday there can be some new and horrible thing to add to the plate of life. I have always hated changes, even good ones tend to stress me out. That meant staying in situations of all kinds, sometimes it was good, most of the time is wasn't. When I changed my perceptions of how I see myself in this skin/society/universe I was granted nerve endings to the outside of my numbed existence. What in the heck does that mean? I had been abused, neglected, lied too, manipulated and all other victim like things my entire life. Told what I was and where I belonged by so many unqualified people along the way. The day I decided to listen to one internal voice and called that one me, I became a ship on a vast ocean, free...freedom only means being alone sometimes. I am alive and am now ready to truly live in a world filled with change. Bring it on, I can find beauty in everything, I am the seeker. I accept all changes that lay ahead, dear universe, it's me Heather and I am ready. This is my magic, let it be. I look forward to what happens next, life with out dread, I am the seeker, what lies beneath are the ashes of my former self, what lies ahead is a path unknown, uuummm, let's see, I'll take the path. I am one with the truth of myself , I trust myself, I am free. H
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A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. - 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' -- Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
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I have always felt misunderstood, by my family of birth, and all the people that followed. It used to make me feel alone and sorry for myself. Until I started paying attention to my "shadow" on the wall. Then when I had correctly identified myself and my true center, did I start to be understanding and also to feel a little more understood. My "shadow" is still elusive sometimes and I try to keep a bead on it. When my life is chaotic and wild (as it is right now) I remind myself about those great people who have felt this way too, and I gain the strength to carry on with my important work. Self awareness is not a catch phrase of the day, it is the path that all of the great teachers tell us leads to true comfort and happiness. You just have to be brave enough to endure being misunderstood on your way. Speaking truth is much harder than it sounds, speaking "hard words" is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn how to do. I can now say No when its needed, and also tell the truth of a matter when that is the correct thing to do. Lying used to be a lifestyle, it was convenient in its evil. I thought it made things easier when lies have never done anything to improve anyone's life. So stop lying to yourself first, then start on the rest of the world. I am living in this truth with all of you today. H

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Well today is the 30th of March and I was able to keep to my deadlines and we have almost completed our families move. So to all my regulars...hey ya'll I'm back. I returned from one weeks absence to 100's of emails...whew, if you emailed me and have not heard back from me, you will soon! (As soon as I find them that is:) I am back at my own desk, writing to you from my new studio loft! I have wonderful light and space here. I now will be able to create some much larger works! I posted the inspiration above for today, because I found that this is now a working truth for me. You know, when you are trying to change something about yourself or working on self improvements, sometimes you are just 'fake it till you make it'. Well then one day you wake up and that thing (whatever it is) is suddenly no longer something you have to 'work' on anymore it is or isn't, and its simple, it becomes a truth. Well being flexible has saved my bacon more than once in this life, but this type of flexible is something different, more of a spirit/soul/expectations flexibility. I have had some major life changes recently, all of them will eventually be for the best, but getting there isn't going to be an 'E' ticket attraction. Working with this set of problem/opportunities is taking a lot of internal flexibility, on my part, so that it will all end up OK in the end. Maybe even beautiful. Moment to Moment being aware of who I really am and want to be. Remembering my own personal code, and being responsible for all of my own consequences, good and bad. Being responsible for my own happiness and fulfilment. Do you have more time all of a sudden, get a new something, grow another arm, you ask? No, I am living in the moment, being truly present in everything I do, big and small. The thing is that this actually takes more time than I ever thought it would. I parent differently, am a different mate to my partner, a better and more understanding friend, a whole different side of my creator spirit is coming through now and I feel genuine all the time now. When something bad/unwelcome happens to me today, I feel it! I live with it till its gone, and then it is. Simple and easier now that I have done it a few times...but I don't have to worry about what I am doing all the time watching everything and missing nothing. I can live in this moment and leave it there when I move to the next moment and so on. No baggage. No Drama. No twisted thinking or logic. No lingering garbage. More joy. More energy. More love. (Heck More Great Sex.) More Passion. More Me. I am glad to be here right now (when ever that is for you), happy to have shared this moment, grateful you have shared it with me. Life is not easy, fun or cheap. Life is Change, Growth is Optional, Choose Wisely.
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Today is the 1st of April, 2004. Well, life comes full circle for me regularly now. I understand this quote because I have only recently really learned what love is.
I understand love, give love, receive it, and share it. I have figured out the 'good for me' love and the 'run for hills screaming' love. I understand what it means that every tool is a weapon, it just depends on how you use it. I understand the power of love, and its ability to heal any wound or sickness. I believe in love today, I think I should have and give as much as I can in this life.
Love is also the bitterest of pains, at times, and the needle still sought for in every haystack. I don't want to know it all, but I am grateful for what I have and I think it so precious and vital to my life now.
I was raised by people who never could see the forest for the trees, and who didn't even love themselves so how could they show that to me? Manipulation and Exploitations were easier and far more entertaining and beneficial to the evil people (non techie term meaning family) in my young life.
I then grew into a young woman who reproduced an offspring, looking for that perfect love, way too early in my life, to be any "good" at parenting responsibly and perpetuated the cycle...at first. It would be sad if it had ended there.
I met this woman who seemed to be OK with who I was, (good and bad parts) and every time I turned around there she was telling me that I could do, be, love anyone or anything. When I was an ass she called me on it, and loved me through it. I gave her teeth, truth, and unquestioning loyalty, and she gave the gift of unconditional love. I was 22 years old before any human being ever showed me love. She has evolved into, and still is today, my closest friend, and my only (outside of my household family) family.
With that seed I have grown into a whole person, I am a great Mother, (not perfect! Just confident and flexible) friend, mate and society member.
That sword has lain me bare to the bone many times, it will happen again. I welcome that. Each time I rise from my ashes, clean and new, I come closer to that state of being that I am looking for. Each time I take the harder path and push myself beyond my comfort zone emotionally/spiritually I am happy that I did it when it's done. I welcome the blade in my life, its better this way for me.
I was so lonely before, lost, addicted, scared all the time... and now I am filled with joy at the life that abounds around me. Drug free baby... they can't bottle this juice, it comes straight from the magic inside of me, the good stuff. So heres to opening our hearts and souls to each moment and to the potential our lives hold.

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Today is the 2nd of April, 2004.
I have enough chaos for the both of us today. I am working on this one today...my studio is still in shambles, I'm not caring today. I can't find my favorite brush and where the hell is the wing nut for my table...whatever, I'll just move this over there, Oh nevermind...I'll just paint right here on top of it all, I don't care anymore! 12 days without painting, I think I'll perish if I don't fling some paint soon! I am pent up and tired, stressed out and did I mention Tired? I am dancing with my star today, are you?

Embrace that chaos within you!
Try not to fight the pain. Try to embrace it.

Relax into it a bit. Smile. Know you're growing and that it's this chaos that gives birth to our dancing star...

Dance.


Boogie-oogie-woogie, that tapping sound is me baby....dancing my heart out with a big old poop eating grin on my face!
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"Fame or integrity: which is more important? Money or happiness: which is more valuable? Success or failure: which is more destructive? If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."
~ Lao-tzu, 6th century bce Chinese philosopher, founder of Taoism
************

Today is April 5, 2004. I read this quote this morning and decided this would be a good place to start this week. What am I looking for with this work, this life? Well, there are few ‘things’ that I want for in this world. I don’t desire or need fame, to feel successful in my work. I sometimes battle with severe insecurity about what I have decided to do with my ‘working’ life. I am self-taught and sometimes when talking with other ‘artist’ I worry about my lack of technical knowledge, and skill. Then I remember…I don’t want to know the rules! I live by my own rules and regulations. If I knew all the rules of the painting world, would I still be as happy as I am when lost in a work? Would I feel that pit in my stomach go away just as fast? You know that pit that tells you the world is watching/judging you? I somehow don’t think so. I paint because I have to, not because I want to create something perfect. I don’t want perfection, I want something real. Even if it’s only real for me…perception is reality, right? This is my path, I create what I feel, and I don’t need the confines of lessons, rules, and formal education. I don’t need anyone to like it, for it to be healing me. All I ‘have’ to do is work. If someone else sees, or feels what I am doing and it resonates with them, then that is a bonus. I do this for me. I understand that there is nothing lacking in my work, or my life. I am who I am, and I let the world be what it is. I am living in this moment, true to myself, this isn’t for you, or even about you, or my ‘career’ this is for my freedom, and my peace of mind/body/soul. So, in that vein, this world is mine, and I am successful every time I am brave enough to claim it. I am the master of my internal ship, I guide the way, my spirit is my shinning torch and I see the light. I am the seeker; I shall see it all within my reach. I am fulfilled and complete, and frail and human. The dichotomy is perfection; the bumps in the road lead me to future growth and knowledge. I accept myself for who and what I am, and I love me…I don’t need more than that. It is a wonderful gift that I don’t have to love me all alone, I have others in my life who love me too, just the way I am. What a blessing, that is, what a gift to be grateful for. But, I complete myself and they are my bonus. I am responsible for my own happiness and I am responsible for maintaining that happiness and growth, no one else. There is nothing lacking, I am where I want to be at this moment, I am sane, happy and whole. I have a wonderful family and a great friend. I work at something that fills me with passion and excitement. What more is there?
May the world be yours today.
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I forgive myself for hurting others along my path. I now
forgive others who have hurt me also. I release the anger,
the pain and the attachments so that I may be free of this
pain and may free this person of the pain as well. I do this
with the love of my higher Self and Spirit that I may move on
freely and easily.

~By Wendy H. Chapman
copyright 2004 Metagifted.Org
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Today is April 7, 2004
I have read this quote many times in the last few weeks. I figured that means that I need to share and work on this subject. When I am doing my reading in the mornings (which has been hard to do the last few days) I just let my mind wander, and I look at my collection of inspirations with an open heart. I think its like when my people would find their answers by putting a pin in a closed bible and then reading that page for whatever answer they needed at the time. I have opened to this one four out of five days, in the last week. I don’t believe in coincidence, so my spirit must be trying to tell me something. I am working on forgiving. I try to forgive myself for mistakes that I make/have made. It is not easy to do. I have an even harder time forgiving those who cause me pain of any kind. After 30 years of pain it gets hard to say “OK, I now forgive you for…” I hang on to the memory of past times to protect myself in the future. I know that this is a type of cancer, eating away my beautiful core. I am trying to release the memories, because I know that I will never let those things happen to me again. I count on only my immediate family (those in my home) for anything I need. I expect nothing from the world or the people in it. I expect to have to fight, scratch and claw myself to anything that I really want or love. I am asking the universe for the magic of forgiveness in my heart. I want to release the dead zone, and feel life creep into all the corners, brushing away the ashes of past lives. Today I will open myself to the possibility that I can forgive my birth family for all of their faults and cruelty. Today I will breath the free air and taste the free sun and hold the real true loves of my life in my arms and forgive myself for not being perfect. Forgive myself for hating the evildoers in my life. Forgive myself for not always making the best choice or the right moves. I will live as a free woman today, talking to my free spirit, with an open mind and heart. Its just one day, I can go back to the old ways tomorrow if I want to. I can do anything for 24 hours, its not my entire life, its just today. Today I’ll forgive them and forgive myself. Just today, Just Imagine.
Growing in truth,
H

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To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives. Nobody is born a warrior, in exactly the same way that nobody is born an average man. We make ourselves into one or the other."
~ Carlos Castaneda, 20th century mystic and Toltec warrior
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Today is April 10, 2004
Are you a "warrior"?
I am that warrior.
Rumi called it (the struggle) the inner jihad, and Plato called it "the combat of life".
I used to feel like it was all just so much work, and I never had any fun. I worked, head bent into the wind, not looking up very often, because then I would see how far I had left to go.
Today I hold my head up, I look right into that wind, and look forward to the work I am doing. I have learned to follow my dream. Its not easy, let me tell you that right now. I enjoy the process now, because my eyes are open to the progress that I make and to the path is one that I have chosen.
I drive an old, ugly volvo station wagon (that I own and can work on myself), I live in a really great house (with my studio) that I rent. I have not bought a "new" stitch of clothing in years. I eat a lot of rice and beans. I have not been out on a date with my mate in over 5 years. My kids are more work than I think I can manage each and every day, the amount of laundry and food these people can create and need is astounding. I regularly feel like I am so tired that I can't take another step. I have not had a private moment in the bathroom in 10 years. Getting a shower everyday is a luxury. So, what I am getting at is, I choose this life. I want this life today. I would rather live frugally and be happy with what I "do" have rather than sell myself short so that I can "have the stuff" that we are all supposed to want. Debit and Things are a noose around my neck.
I really love the "things" that I do have, each and every one, and I saved up and sacrificed for those things, now they are mine and I don't have to be beholden to anyone for them.
My family lives very simply, when we could do otherwise. We do it together, with the full consent of all members (the teenager sometimes, not so much), so that our lives can be our own. We call the shots and take it on the chin together. I am richer by far in my simplicity than many I know.

I am that warrior, because I choose my path, outside the norm. I am that warrior, because I know I have a long ways to go, before I'll be complete as a person and a soul. I am that warrior, because I know how to love and be loved. I am that warrior, because I will never stop, and I will therefor never be a failure. I am that warrior, because I share my everyday, simple, passionate life with you. I am that warrior because I survived my "war" intact and sane. I am that warrior because, I choose to be happy now, not later.
The future is no place to put your better days. Live in this moment...right now as you are reading this...what do you feel? Touch that for just a moment...good or bad...what does it mean? What battles are you willing to fight for? Are you willing to fight for yourself? You are worth it, so am I. Fight, put on your armor, pick up your sword, I'll see you on the battlefield, that some call life.
Who are you?
What do you stand/fight for?
Tell me.
I really want to know, I care about who you are. I want you to be happy, (whatever form that takes for you) and if no one has told you yet today, you are special and important and talented and beautiful and needed in this reality. Be happy today, raise your cup and drink to this life with me. I toast your audacity and my brass balls. Hey somebody has to have them, you can have them next...they are kinda heavy:)
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Ammachi* says that,
"along with men, women should shoulder equal responsibility in the growth and development of society. As long as women do not make the effort to awaken, they are, in a way, themselves responsible for creating their own narrow world."
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Today is April 13, 2004.
Are you getting my message this morning?
I have been looking at my own personal "blinders" and have been feeling frustrated by my acceptance of my "role" in my family, the world, and this reality.
I cook, clean, run errands, pay bills, and manage the family interests, just like most of the other females on the planet. I am creator, and lover, friend and beast. I have never allowed my mate to call me his "wife", the term makes my skin crawl. I do what I do because I want to. Not because I was born a grrrl. I love and cherish my family and friends because in doing so, I evolve into the person I want to be, not because I was born with a uterus and a "role".
I gave up my birth family, because they insisted in seeing me only through their own narrow perceptions of women. I do not want to be an obsession, possession, or exploitation device. (I don't hate the sex trade or porn or anything like that I am speaking metaphysically and from my own personal experience here) So I changed it, I cut them out like you would any cancer.
I have given 34 years to waiting and want their LOVE, not their rules in which they will give love. It has been so hard to Orphan myself in such a way, it has also been the most liberating thing I have ever done.
I relieved my own narrow vision of myself by doing so. I am who I am, not because of my gender. I would do all of the things I do today, for the shear joy of it (not to say its all a joy...I hate the chores part of my life, just like every sane person does), no matter what plumbing I had been born with. Do I now feel equal to Men...Hell no...I feel equal to HUMANS. We are a species, not a gender, race, sexual orientation, or religious association.
I welcome a broader view of my gender, my race, my spiritual associations. If it resonates with you too, well that a bonus, and I love that connection, I crave it. If it sounds like rubbish to you, well I welcome that too, I love that connection and intellectual stimulation that a well founded debate can generate. A growth experience either way.
Hey, I'm on a journey here, join me, leave me, but don't try to stop me, because I am a steam roller, unstoppable and unbreakable. I believe in MYSELF! Unquestionably imperfect and flawed and beautiful in my evolution. I am the next step in the process of species evolution, you are too. We have the chance to change to world, starting with ourselves, are you up to the task?
What do you Believe in? Tell me.
I hold in my heart and head the power to transform myself and in doing so I share the bloody bits as well as the beauty. In that I reshape the wolds view of me as well my own. I have removed my blinders, I no longer see my work as womans work, but a job that I have chosen to take on and do my best at it. I don't have to worry that thats all I'll ever "get" or "be".
What are you? What do you want to be? Man or Woman, do you have the social blinders on about your "role" in this reality? Do you feel pigeon holed into your life? Do you feel lost and lonely in your life, (even if you are surrounded by people everyday)? Would you like to remove the narrowness of your life? You can. Start right now, this minute, make a small step, shift your perceptions for one minute, just feel what it would feel like to be sitting there, all ready trans formed into the person you think you want to be. What is it like? That moment can be yours for the rest of your life if you are brave enough to broaden your view of the world, yourself and this reality.
Come on now, you can do anything, so can I...and I am.
You are wonderful, and an important part of this consciousness, I'm glad that you are here reading my ramblings, watching my fumbles and successes.
I am working on creating new world order, by starting on myself and my male children (I have three sons). What are you doing today?
WAKE UP! SEE THE WORLD.
Just today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
H

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"Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's dilemma. It's neither doing nor not doing. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence-sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation...is lukewarm tea, the devil's own brew."
~ Dan Millman, 21st century philosopher
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Today is April 14, 2004.
Good Morning one and all. Wow, yesterdays blog (see in the archive page) was received very well by all my regulars in this social experiment...I had more than 25 email's from you all, about how having a narrow vision of yourself (or others narrow vision of you) has shaped your lives. Thank you for taking the time to write and share with me, your time, your energy, and your wisdom. Look for your words in the upcoming Anthology of Growth. As always, I welcome all perspectives on each subject. So don't be shy, tell me more.
Well, today I'm going to talk about another of my stumbling blocks along this path. Moderation.
I have heard it millions of times (you too) that anything in moderation, is OK, excess is the enemy.
I no longer subscribe to this clich├ę.
How can I live to my fullest if I am not dancing on the razors edge? I feel I must have the thrill (some call it fear) of failure sometimes, to fully appreciate my successes, and my losses. I don't fail anymore anyway, I just took away the rules around what defines failure, took away my "rules" about what constitutes a failure, and the rest took care of itself. I hardly ever feel as if I have "failed" any more. I don't paint a winner every time, I don't always do the right thing, hell sex isn't always a mind blower...if you think about it, nothing in life fits into a moderate life style. I want to feel, live, see and experience everything. I don't want to be deadened to the world, cocooned in the safety of never going too far.
I don't mean to say that I go off half cocked, (today I'm only moderate in my insanity) I am only saying that playing it safe every time, leaves for a pretty dull life. For myself anyway. If I had never thought to push the envelope, I would never started painting and writing, I would have stuck to my school training, my life's training, (I have a degree in garden/horticulutre/and design) and continued on my safe path. It was boring and unsatisfying. I was and am excellent at what my training has given me, I was and still am successful with that as well. But I don't want safe success!
I want to LIVE! So I am, its pretty simple, really. I gave up the comfort of "the American" dream, I have taken on my HUMAN DREAM. I am sure that is different for each of us. What's your dream? What are you going to do today to advance toward that dream?
For me that means finding a way to feel fulfilled in all of my daily endeavors. It may be folding the clothes, or working on my master work. It does not matter, I need to feel good about it, or honey it just ain't gonna get done, at all, period. I try to make myself do and be, and I have found that being fake does not hold the charm it once did. It is not easy to do it anymore, and is irritating to do it for more than a few minutes at a time.
Do I miss some of my creature comforts and securities? Of course...everytime my car won't start, every time I want to paint the walls of my home and can't (I rent) every time, my kids want some "thing" and I can't give it to them, I miss my old standard of living. I figure that's when most people stop trying, get tired and beat down by the social system, and just give in so they can rest and have some comfort.
I am saying "the hell with that!"
If my discomfort forces me to grow and stretch (it does, daily, believe me) then I come away a winner, and richer by far. I win myself, my principles, my life, my terms. So, if that means that we wear second hand clothes, and clip coupons, and by honey from the guy that wanders around selling door to door, so much the better. Because it all matters! Every moment, every small decision, every small effort, matters to the spirit, to my souls growth, to my completion.
Wanting is good for you, gives you drive and ambition, makes you get up in the morning. Reminds you of where you have been, and where you want to go.
For me I find that I really want very little material "things" in this world. What I want you can not buy, borrow, or steal.
I want real, healthy, love. I want passion, I want freedom, and peace. I want health, I want connection, I want trust and confidence. I want my great, wonderful, children to grow into healthy strong Men. I want my lover to come home everyday and look at me with love, and fire. I want to make love in the sunny spots on the kitchen floor. I want spontaneity. I want friendship, and loyalty and honor. I want respect. I want to eat good food, I want to love the flesh I was born with, I want to really like myself, and trust myself. I want to know my spirit, my connection to this universe and the magic within it. That is what defines "happy", for me. What do you need to be happy?
I don't want any of these things in MODERATION, would you?
Try thinking about moderation, and let me know what happens. Your mission, if you choose to accept it...this message will self destruct in 3, 2, 1...
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
H
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"I believe that words can help us move or keep us paralysed, and that our choices of language and verbal tone have something — a great deal — to do with how we live our lives and whom we end up speaking with and hearing; and that we can deflect words by trivialization, of course, but also by ritualized respect, or we can let them enter our souls and mix with the juices of our minds."
~ Adrienne Cecile Rich (1929-)
US author, feminist, & poet, wrote poetry collections
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Today is April 15, 2004.
I know that this is true. The above quote makes me think about the way language is used everyday. To build and to destroy. How crucial it is to everything that we do and how we perceive our lives.
Just look at the words our president used in his speech recently. How the news is filled with "spin", how we talk to our loved ones and co-workers, and how they talk with us, how my teenager talks to his friends and family. How I can say I love you in several different tones and it means different things each time.
I know language is magic. I have always believed(even when I was tiny) that if I wrote something down, that magic would happen, providence if you will.
For example: My teenager is currently living back at home with me. He has returned from his first ever living experience with his birth father, emotionally drained and troubled. I am now in a position of needing to heal and re-educate my son in the ways of the warrior.
His father is a Human that can be very hard to communicate with, without it becoming a fight. Hard feelings on all sides. I have to monitor the way I communicate with my son, his father, and the surrounding adults and friends. I have to not only think of what I am saying, but also the correct tone to convey information, and emotion.
In order to do those things effectively, I have written a small outline for the conversation that I need to have with his father. In that outline, I have the major points that need to be expressed, but more important to me, I have written behavior notes to myself.
Such as,I will remain, calm when discussing money (an emotional subject for the best of us), I will remain firm but loving when talking about visitation. I will remember that we all deal with emotions differently, and all of us have internal dialogues going on with ourselves during stressful times.
I can not control anyone else or their emotions or reactions to an emotionally charged stimulus. I can only control myself and how I react to any given situation. I am my master, no one else's.
I am not responsible for others maturity or lack there of. I am no longer afraid of anyone or anything. I will remember that this could turn out well, in the end. It could be a positive exchange.
I will try to remain optimistic and not fatalistic when dealing with uncomfortable situations. I will try to remember that this is not comfortable for him either.
I will hope for the best, and not expect the worst. I will try not to expect anything. I will approach this situation with a clean slate, no baggage, old tapes, or wounds. I will remember that we show and express love differently and in accordance to our internal dialogues and inner laws.
I will try as hard as I possibly can to NOT JUDGE.
I will remember that I can end any situation any time I want to. I can walk away. I can control myself. I can be firm and poised without being cold and harsh.
I can do this. I have done this. I have been doing this for years.
Confrontation is never easy for any human.
I will do it again, and again, and again, ad infinitum, because my ultimate goal is the best I can do for my treasure, my miracle, my son.
My motivation is love, not control.
If I had wanted to remain in control I would never let anything bad happen to my baby. That would not have made him a better MAN, it would have weakened him.
This world is a tough, confusing, cold place sometimes. Rose colored glasses don't do a thing, but perspective is a saving grace.
I can change the way this feels and impacts me by looking at it from different angles.
I could tell myself, "OK the Bastard is at it again, I wish this was over, I can't wait till he turns 18 and I'll finally be done, how can he be so ignorant?!" (thats the one that runs thru my head in a loop sometimes)
Or I can think about it like this, "I have another real world chance to show my son by example of a healthy way to be and express anger and frustration, stand up for yourself, and be brave and honorable. And I have the chance to possibly make a difference in my ex-mates real relationship with his son. This time it might work out OK, but I can handle it even if it does not and so can my son."
So, I go forth to the battle field of everyday life, I am a peaceful warrior, I will not fail, because I will never give up. I am not perfect, I will make mistakes, I will just never let my mistakes stand in the way of my success. I will live my life, on my terms. I can not control my circumstance, I can only control my reaction to it. There is only one Master here, only one, My Theory Of One. Me. I give myself power by writing these words and giving them to the universe as my prayer, my offer, my command. This is my magic, I am the seeker, Let it Be.
Stay Tuned...for further reports from the front lines of this reporter grrrls struggle to maintain sanity in an insane world. Just Do It!
What are you thinking? Tell me. Can you relate?
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
H
*****************************************************************************************************"You are good when you strive to give of yourself. Yet you are not evil when you seek gain for yourself. For when you strive for gain you are but a root that clings to the earth and sucks at her breast. Surely the fruit cannot say to the root, 'Be like me, ripe and full and ever giving of your abundance.' For to the fruit giving is a need as receiving is a need to the root."
~ Kahlil Gibran, 20th century Syrian-born mystic poet, philosopher, and artist
from The Prophet
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Today is April 21, 2004.
We need roots to bear fruit.
I am not feeling my roots these last few days.
I have been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off for more than a week, wondering....when the hell do I get a break? I figured it out. Never.
I have been feeling badly because of my lack of sales over the last month, does that mean that I am not trying hard enough, does my stuff suck, will I ever make another dime? I feel great when I am selling, and insecure when I am not. You would think after all these years of being on my own that I could take a slump in stride...well, I don't.
I feel scared and worried, I guess just as we all do when faced with self doubt.
Top that with the crazy way that the people in my life act sometimes and you have the makings of a good old melt down.
We have been working like crazy for two years, trying to keep us financially afloat, trying to keep us on the "path", trying to stay healthy in the face of so much stress and trying to raise and protect our three children.
We have lost everything in the last two years, and I mean every "thing".
Our very successful nursery/landscaping business went tits up, lost the house and our credit rating, our cars, our savings, our stuff (we sold it for food money), my health and any and all extras in life.
Most of the time I can feel my strong roots, keeping me here in this moment, this reality.
For the last three days I have felt like I was in free fall, my roots severed and my head spinning.
I have painted, and the painting is good, I can't seem to get past the background stage, until yesterday, I finally finished one, and I love it. (whew...what a relief) I think I'll call it free-fall, and you can see it in the Available Wall Art Gallery.
The other one is still untitled...I don't know what the heck to call that one.
I feel tired, drained and put out. I feel like I could use a little extra something, I feel like its all hard, nothing ever comes easy, what the hell!! When is it my turn?
I am having a my period in a house full of men, what the hell do they really know about night sweats, back pain from some where deeper than hell, swollen boobs, bloating, and (seemingly) never ending seepage.
I don't want to be a Man, I just don't want to be a grrrl right now either...I'll take what is "it"? for $1000.00 please Alex....
As far as the "conversation" with my ex-mate went...well it went. I stayed true to my "list" (see last post in the archives) and it went as well as could be expected when dealing with a mental midget (no offense to little people:). I said the right things, stuck to my guns, stayed strong and came out of it with basically nothing accomplished...again. I wish I could just quit sometimes.
I think I need a vacation from my life, I need to be somebody else for today...want to trade? What are you a sadist? Ha HA Ha. I'm off track again...we were talking about my roots...I'm just not feeling it today.
I just want to lay in the sun and bake...except I live in puddle town, USA. ARRRGH, won't anything go my way?
Now, I have only got three doctors appointments, dinner for five, three paintings started but not finished, and my period to deal with today, oh yeah... I forgot that I have a list of errands too...the library, the bank, the dry cleaners, and the school, all that and a phobia about public restrooms...great.... That's all.
Hey! I can be a self indulgent whiner every now and then too...I'm not freakin Rebbecca of Sunnybrook here, and this is my blog...I'm mentally giving myself the finger...double fisted...
Oh, yeah back to my roots...screw it, I ain't got no roots today....I'm flying by the seat of my pants( sorry bout that..yucky imagery)...now where is my Midol (drug of choice these days), my baggy jeans, my coffee, and my happy face...I swear I left it right here, next to my keys...where are my keys? Oh, double damn...
What will I make of this day? The best that I can, and live with the rest. Sometimes its hard to be a peaceful warrior...when you really feel like smashing in some heads...
What are you thinking? Tell me. Can you relate?
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
H