Do you Want Fries with that Stress shake?

Today is May 26, 2004

Dear Heather,
WTF? Go write in your blog and feel better.
Love,
Your smelly self
***
I went to see a therapist today
For my feelings of anxiety and slight
Boughts of depression.
He told me that I just need a new set of life skills and he would teach
Me how to mitigate my
Symptoms.
I don’t want to mitigate or any such thing
I want to be cured.
Now.
***
So, he tells me to mitigate
Stressful worrying
I need to start with
Setting aside a block of time to
Just worry.
Lets say we will start with a
30 minute time out to worry.
He says, “pull out a timer and set it for a half hour.”
“Then worry about everything”
“Add a dash of writing”
“And try to get it all out
At once.”
I was doubtful
That a half hour would be enough.
Then I thought about maybe
I could have a heart attack while
I was
Mega Stressing.
Stressing to the oldies
The 6-minute Stress crunch
Stressing Jacks
I said, “hmmm doc
That’s an interesting idea.
I will give it a try.
Thanks for your time.”
And I left.
Thinking about when
I would pencil in my
Stress
Melt down
Break down
Stress Management isn’t so bad
After all.
You just have to make time for it like everything else.
Sex
Paying the bills
Grocery shopping
Taking the kids to school
Oh there it is
My half hour
Stress attack.
“Sorry Honey
Not now
I’m right in the middle
Of my nervous
Breakdown
Go ask
Daddy”
***
Needless to say
I just simply have not had the time to be stressed lately
So I guess I’m just going to have to
Put it off a little while longer.
I wonder who is supposed to be keeping track of my
Missed days?
What if I take a stress
Convention?
Holiday? Sick Day?
WTF?
I wish he had given me some drugs.
At least then I’d know what the hell to make of it all.
***
I have been painting a lot.
And I like the results I am having.
I just wish that I could paint all the time
Because that’s when my brain rests.
I have seen the drug commercials about
adult ADD
I am sure I have got it now
I don’t need the drugs; I just need to make enough money painting
So that I can afford
To justify spending all my time doing it.
I love the feeling that
Slips
Slides
Creeps along
My spine and shoulders
My brain stops
Working
Analyzing
Hearing
Hurting.
And I can float
Along in a nice place
Where everything is made up of
Color
Light and
Shadow
Tone and depth
Emotional release and peace
and happy
Happy
Happy
Heather.
I love to paint.
***

I love to write too.
And words are like a harder drug.
I really
Can move into another
Apartment in my mind.
I just go in sit
Down at the desk
And my life becomes
Fodder
Inspiration
For the keyboard to make sense of.
***

I wonder…
How do you feel
When you are happy?
Have you ever taken the time
To stop
and think
to Feel
Drink in
The physical
Sensations
that happen when all of you,
your full
being is happy
under the skin?
I did.
Do.
I feel that way when
my kids and I are really
Laughing from the gut
When my mate is kissing me
In just the right way
When my friend(s) can really understand
And be present with me.
When there is good groovy music one the stereo in the car
And it’s sunny and I am a hot gyrl driving fast.
And when I am painting.
So I paint every chance I get.
I am admitting my addictions
To you.
Paint and Sun and Sexy and laughing and Understanding.
What a junkie…I’ll take it.
***
I think that I am winding down now,
And guess what?
It took me almost a half hour to
Write this.
***

Dear Heather,
We have conclusive evidence that you need to write in your
Blog at least three times a week, and
Paint PRN. Results of following our scientific advice, will be
A better state of mind
And a Whiter Brighter smile.
4 out of 5
Mental patients agree.
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing in Truth,
H

Big Nothing

Today is May 19, 2004
I find that I can only do one thing well at a time.
I can paint or I can write
But I can’t do both at the same time.
So I have been painting like a mad woman
And unable to write.
This will be short as I can think of nothing witty
Or charming to say.
My head is full of painting,
Even right now as I write this
Note
I am thinking of my next canvas sitting in the studio
I can hear it calling to me
It says “ I’m all white fix me!”
I really have been doing pretty well the past three days.
My mouth has healed up pretty
Good from the surgery I had last week
I’ll have another round of surgery
In another week,
Yippee.
I have to have a bunch of stuff done
In order to save my teeth.
I have some strange growths in there
And it’s such a bummer.
My teeth are all in good shape, its not that they have rotted
Out or anything, I just have these strange growths
That show up in different places
At different times, and hurt like hell
And are usually not cancer and they have to be removed.
Whatever… we all have our burdens, this is one of mine.
I used to get really freaked out when something like this would happen
But now I just get done what needs to be done
And try not to think about it too much.
The biggest thing to overcome is the
Pain.
There is a lot of that.
This last time there were days when I didn’t want to even get up
Out of bed, but I did.
So overcoming pain is hard and I hate it
But I am a trooper
So I do it.
Other than that, we have been just cruising along, and I have been trying to recover and get back to the easel or furniture.
I have two paintings that I am really proud of right now,
They are posted on the appropriate pages within the site.
I also decided that I would start the Ebay machine
With a .99 cent opening bid all my posts there
This week.
I have four $1.00 bid so far.
I hope it gets better than that, but if not I’ll be happy to have sold something again, even if it is only for a buck.
I know they will be happy with their dollar art.
I also sold Moon and Fog
To a super nice lady in California.
She wrote to me and we haggled on the price
For the painting. It was great!
She got a deal, and I sold a painting.
Win-win. You gotta love that.
I can’t wait to hear from her when she gets the painting
I hope she likes it.
My kids are all well.
Mate Man is well.
So I guess that’s all for today.
I’ll try to write something more exciting than this soon.
I should run out of painting steam soon
And then it will be back to the world of words.
To my fans out there I apologize,
I have been a bad, bad blogger
Of late.
At least I’m painting and not whining about not being able to do that!
Love to you all.
H

Hound Dog, Hound Dog Where you been?

Notes To A New
Moon:Today is May 11, 2004.

"Sanity is a choice."
~ Luis Villalobos
“Sanity is a cozy lie.
~Susan Sontag
"I suppose it is much more comfortable to be mad and not know it than to be sane and have one's doubts."
~ George Brown Burgin
(1856-1944)
English Novelist
"MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane."
~ Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
American satirist
from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce
"It has been seen that the object of a sane upbringing is increasingly to direct all emotion towards objects which involve other people. Now basically the situation of being finite is an infinitely frustrating one, which would be expected to arouse sensations of desperation and aggression — as indeed it may sometimes be seen to do in very young children. I am aware that I must be careful, in using the word aggression, to state that I do not mean aggression directed towards people. What I mean is an impersonal drive directed against reality — it is difficult to give examples but it may be presumed that geniuses who are at all worthy of the name preserve a small degree of this. However, since all emotion must be directed towards people, it is obvious that the only form of aggression which a sane person can understand is aggression against people, which is probably better described as sadism or cruelty."
~ Celia Green
"The way to do research is to attack the facts at the point of greatest astonishment."
~ Celia Green
*************
Mothers Day was very nice.
I spent the day getting help
from all my men folk
doing all the things that I have wanted to
get done since we moved in here.
We have not unpacked the decorative stuff
Just the essentials
Because we have had so
Much living to do.
Life always gets in the way of
My decorating.
So that was great,
And because I wrote the Mother’s day part 1
Way before hand
(of the holiday itself)
it was mostly
Out of my head
I didn’t think about it all that much.
That’s why I have been gone from these pages
For the last few days.
I didn’t want to risk uncovering some
Nasty
Thing
And destroy what little calmness
I had created.
So
I didn’t
Write.
I wanted to
Write.
***
My middle child turned 7
The day before
(Mothers Day)
Yes, he was born on Mothers Day
7 short years ago.
One of my most painful presents
Ever.
We had a wonderful day
He got his first big boy bike
And learned to ride it in
Exactly
2 minutes flat.
He is now working on learning to jump
The curb and do
Pop a wheelies
Like his older brother.
All my children are magically gifted
I know all children are
But
Shut up…
My
Middle child is athletically gifted.
He never crawled
He was walking and talking
In sentences
(The sentences were mainly in what sounded like Dutch
We just figured he was channeling :)
He has always liked his Daddy Best
He cried for the first 36 hours of his life
He is amazingly full of
Power
And
Energy
He looks just like his daddy
When he was a baby we called him
The Nitro Baby.
He can play every sport there is
Within a few minutes of
Learning it.
He has an amazing arm
And can throw anything
With speed and accuracy
(usually at one of his brother’s heads)
He did not come with
Built in volume control.
He is a ball hog.
He is the pickiest eater on the planet.
Sometimes he makes us call him
The Game Master. When he is winning the
Video Games.
He is so special and
Full of life.
I love him so
He is my miracle baby
Now seven
They grow so fast.
***
I have been working on the mural project
The last few days.
I was
blocked
I had not come up with anything
As of yesterday morning…
I hate that panicky
Sick feeling
That tells you to hang it up
The muse is dead
You are a hack.
I was getting ready to call them and say
I am drawing a blank
You are going to have to find
Some
One
Else.
Of course
just as I gave up
I thought of a way to make it work
Yesterday afternoon
I think it will be lovely.
The mural is about
Life Skills
How apropos is that?
The Universe will always provide
That’s for sure.
***
No one has bought anything lately
I am in a bugger of a slump
As far as sales go.
What the hell is up with that?
I am terrific…go buy something!
Mama needs a new pair of shoes…
Literally.
My mates work schedule is all farked up
This week and I kind of like it
He works swing most of the time
I wish he could always work days
We see so much more of him.
***
I have yet to say anything of merit here
Are you disappointed?
How would I know?
You never write,
Or send flowers
Or write me love songs
Any m-o-r-e
Don’t cha know?
***
I have found some really great blogs
And web rings
New ones
I’ll add them to my page (s) later
You’ll like them too.
The next part of the life story is coming up
It’s sitting in queue
In my
Back
Brain.
I will let it out as soon as I know what it is
Going to be all about
Stay tuned for more
Dirt
Piles
***
Sanity
Is the subject matter
I am working on this week.
Finding
Searching
For
That comfortable
place
And its definition.
It seems to shift
for me constantly
Sometimes
I tell myself
(insert Theory of One here)
“self, you can’t be crazy
coz if you weren’ crazy
why then you wouldn’t be ah
havin this here conversation
with yourself.”
Or maybe
That’s crazy?
Sanity check
On aisle four!
That’s a
SANITY
Check On
Aisle Four
Please!
Oh never mind
I don’t want to hold up the line,
I’ll just put that back,
I didn’t really need it
Anyway.
***
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing in Truth,

H

***

Mothers Day Part 1

Today is May 6, 2004
I will start with a run
down of my day so far
Because I know you are
wondering what exciting things
Will happen to me today
Right?
Well, I did get to do
something really cool today.
I met with the people that
I will working with on a
Mural with for a
Local elementary school
It is the coolest school I have ever
Been inside of.
As an Art Magnet School
There is art of every kind
And relating to every aspect of learning
On every wall, and filling
Every cabinet.
I saw Georgia O’Keefe
Relating to math
And watercolors done with
Different techniques
And mixed media, and sculptures
Galore.
It was very fun to be inside
a place that really
Helps nurture the creator
In us all.
I loved it, I wish
I could be there every day.
I’ll be working with some pretty
Great people
Big and smallish.
I get to work with
Four super cool kids
I met three of them today.
By the time they left for class
I just wanted
To cancel the day and stay there and
Paint or make something with these
Totally cool people.
I think I would have liked to have been a teacher.
But, I’ll see them again in a week
And we will start painting in 4 weeks.
That will be fun.
They all have really cool names too.
Lucky kids.
Then I came home and took the
Little one for a walk
In the sunshine.
That was great too.
That’s it so far.
***
I spent the day
Yesterday
Being very busy
And harried.
I was thinking about something
In my back brain that
Didn’t really
Surface.
One of those things that
chews
at you
But you don’t know what it is.
Sometimes when I feel that way
I’m really getting stuff from the people
around me.
I feel other people’s feelings
Sometimes.
I can shield myself
Pretty well from feeling/hearing the people around
Me, but sometimes when I
Am preoccupied or in a lot of
Pain
it gets through.
So I kept telling my self, don’t worry its not you
It’s the kids because of them
Going to the dentist for the first time, and
My mates not feeling so great,
Because he had to get dental work done too.
Or whatever else I could tell myself.
But the pit in my stomach continued to
Grow, and I felt increasingly anxious
For no apparent reason.
the day went on.
By that night I was crying while
Watching A kid Movie.
I was feeling despondent,
Depressed, and scared.
I just couldn’t figure out about what.
Of course, no one around me
Ever knew I was feeling weird at all.
I can have all kinds of things going on inside
And no one would ever know.
I learned how to do that when I was a child.
This morning while I was taking a shower
(Thank you universe for small miracles)
I was listening to the local radio station
And they are doing a contest for Mothers Day.
You have to write a Haiku poem
About your Mom and you’ll win this great prize.
For Her.
A lot of them were funny, and some just stupid.
I was laughing along with them
And the next minute I was
Crying
Hard.
It came to me that I always get kind of freaky
Around this time of year
Or any holiday that may have something to do
With Me.
***
I have sweat running down my back right this minute
This is making me nervous just writing about it…
What will you think? I don’t care
I don’t care if your reading this, I don’t care if nobody is
This is my story, I will tell it and be done
I will end this here and now…
Watch out… some bloody bits are on the way
Stop here if you want
I want too.
Just do it…
Ok
***
My Birth Mother is/was
(I don’t know if she is alive or dead)
Not a stable Lady upstairs
Or in her heart.
She married my Father
And had me when she was twenty years old.
I was born in September of
1969.
Summer of Love.
Not for me.
She left and divorced my Father
When I was nine months old.
I have one solid memory of her
From when I was a little girl.
I don’t know if it’s real or not.
I don’t know if any of my memories
Are real or not
Sometimes
I mean really
It gets confusing.
She had had a dream
It was a message
From
God
That told her to pack she and I up and backpack to California
(we were in St Petersburg Florida at the time)
So she could become a
Star.
Had To Become A
Star.
It was a mission
A message
From
God.
I’ve never had a message from God
It has to be pretty compelling
I would assume.
My father did not want her to go
(of course)
And told her, that she could not take me with her
(he thought that would make her stay, it had nothing to do
with me)
She left both of us.
I guess
(this is where I don’t know what really happened)
she tried to keep in touch somewhat.
Over the next 13 years
I never heard from her.
I guess my Dad didn’t want me to
get those messages, cards and letters
That she sent
(or says she did)
because I never got
any.
There was a Mystery Christmas box I remember
When I lived in
Tennessee
I would have been 5 or six at the time.
I remember a bunny hand puppet; you know the one that
was on
Captain Kangaroo?
It was one that looked like that.
Was there A Kermit the frog too?
I remember having a Kermit the frog at that time too.
Maybe she gave it to me.
I didn’t know until 10-12 years later that
The box
had been from her.
My father remarried when I was four.
That was mom #2 but #1 in my mind.
I’ll tell the story of mom #2 later.
It’s just as bad.
Probably worse.
Anyway
(I feel like I need a drink now
and I wish I still smoked)
When I was twelve
I was searching in my parent’s bedroom
For some handy drugs, Money, or anything really.
They searched my room all the time so I felt free to do the
same to them
Most of my drugs came from them anyway, and I was
running low.
I had customers at the time and couldn’t find what I needed
On the street.
Drug dealers can be a unreliable bunch.
I wasn’t, I was a great dealer
I thought about my customers needs
And I made a lot of money.
Most of them were adults.
***
Back to my story,
I found the huge bag of the pink hearts that I was looking for
(I think they were stolen from the local hospital)
and also
A little pile of pink cards, in the bottom of a drawer.
When I see pink now my skin crawls.
Inside the envelopes were letters from my Mom
I had never seen them, and it didn’t look like My moms
handwriting,
She is a lefty.
This had palm trees and little people drawn on it and talked
about
Taking me to Disneyland, and spending the Summer with
me, on the beach
in California.
WTF?
I remember sitting there and smelling the envelopes
My little heart racing
My mind swirling
Who was this woman?
Where did this letter come from?
***
When my Dad Remarried
He told me that Mom#2 was my real Mom.
I don’t remember that, I only have
real memories of my time after Mom #2,
So I had always just thought she was my
Mom.
I didn’t know she wasn’t
That there was another one out there
And she seemed nice
She wrote me letters that smelled pretty
She had pretty handwriting
She said nice things to me
She wanted me
I wanted to be her daughter.
***
I put it all back and never said a word, to anyone.
Later in the same year
My Grandmother, my brother, my cousin, and myself
All went shopping together.
My cousin was sitting at the table in a restaurant
We had stopped at for lunch.
While he was chewing away and swinging his legs
He turns and says to me,
“I saw your Mom on that Movie last night on TV.
She was pretty. You don’t look like her though you look like
Uncle ___.” (my Dad)
I said, “what? My Mom wasn’t on TV last night, you stupid
head.”
“Yes, she was! I saw her, your REAL Mom! She had blonde
hair and she was pretty!”
“You are an idiot, you little turd, you did not see my
Mom
on TV last night, now shut up!”
My grandmother made us stop talking and eat our lunch
And you didn’t argue with my Nana.
So we ate.
When we got home, Nana called my Dad
And My Aunt.
And there were behind closed door shouting
matches between people in the family.
And No One said A word to Me.
My Dad Came and got us Early From my Grandparents
House.
We were supposed to have stayed the weekend.
I got some real nice new clothes though.
I don’t remember what happened after that.
I know we went home,
I know my Dad and
My Now I don’t know who the Hell you Are
Mom #2
Drank and More
I remember being really scared.
I woke up that night
And in my dark room
Someone
(a man)
Was sitting in a chair in the corner
in the darkest shadow.
I could hear him talking to me
real quite voice.
Almost couldn’t hear him, it was so low.
He didn’t know I was awake.
I don’t remember what happened after that.
Except for one sentence
“you won’t remember
this in the morning,
when you wake up
you will feel
relaxed.”
The next morning I
remember
the huge Dog we had
being sent in to
Wake me up.
My Dad always did that, he thought it was funny.
My 150 pound dog would jump on my
bed and painfully walk around on me
Scratching at the covers and my skin to dig
me out of the comforter.
While my Dad stood at the door
And Yelled “Get Her Sam!”
Then I have another big blank.
Head injuries do that to you.
***
At sometime
I decided to talk
to my cousin again or I talked to someone else
I can’t
Remember, really.
I just remember the
information.
My Aunt and her family had watched a pretty famous
(at the time)
Movie on TV.
And they had recognized my Real Mom in it.
Because of the stars that were in it, they were really excited.
She (Mom #2) had the only other female speaking role in the
movie (Besides the female Star).
They felt like they knew some one who was famous.
They waited till the end of the movie
(it’s a really long one)
And watched the credits to see if it was her.
It was.
She did not use a
Stage Name.
They had talked about this in front of my little cousin
he had asked questions
they had answered them honestly.
Thanks to my Aunt that’s how the truth had come out
About my Mom
About Me.
My Mom was a
Real Movie Star.
And she had written to me
And she really wanted me
She was the only one who did
Who wanted me.
So after I found out the truth
The family talked about it a little.
My father said she was a
crazy woman.
Who had left me?
Because
she got a
call from
God.
He told me he met my
(Movie Star)
Mom at a party,
That she had been high on LSD
That she was spitting on people
From the tops of doorways
(I don’t understand it either)
That she was crazy
That he was protecting
Me.
That I acted just like her
] sometimes
and that couldn’t be allowed
because he was protecting
Me
From
Her.
He had always taken care of me
and my Mom #2 was my
Real Mom Because she had taken care of me
All my life.
And my Real Mom #1 had disappeared anyway
since she
Had made that movie.
And No one knew where she was.
She was lost
To
me.
Wait!
I thought to myself
there was a return address on the letters
I wasn’t supposed to know about.
So I decided I had to find
Her.
Within a matter of weeks
I had devised a fool proof
Escape plan.
I stole my grandfathers van
Early in the morning
I was almost a 007 secret agent.
I had the shortest girl in school join me.
We went the wrong way
Heading for
California.
We crashed the van.
We got arrested in
Mulberry
For shoplifting
powdered doughnuts
in a gas station
across from the
cop shop.
My father and Mom#2
Had not noticed
that the Van or I were gone yet.
They were to hung over
That morning
from the drugs I had put in their
Drinks the
night before
so they would sleep
I had work to do.
I changed all the clocks
in the house
they got up
late.
I was in Mulberry.
The cops
called my house
and woke them
up
They came to get me.
Mom #2 slammed my head into
The dashboard all the way home.
About 20 Miles.
My Dad Beat me with the belt
Buckle End
Until I bled
A lot.
I screamed so loud the neighbors called the
cops
They came and talked to my Dad
Outside
He told them what I had done
They went away
Left me there.
I stopped screaming after that
Because I knew it wouldn’t do any
good
Anyway.
And if they came
It would get worse.
So I learned all about being in pain
And keeping quiet
And still
And
Quiet.
When the swelling went down
two weeks later
I went back to school.
I used a lot of drugs
never went to class.
My father hated me.
And told me terrible things at night
In the darkest shadow
Of my room.
When he thought I was
Asleep.
I never made it to
California.
I wouldn’t meet my Real
Mom #1
Until four years later
When I was 16.
Until my Father Really
Was done
With
Me.
***
Mother’s day is great.
If I can stay in the moment
And remember that this day is about
Me.
I don’t have any Mothers now.
Neither of those Moms had really wanted me then
And still don’t
Today.
My father still wants me
For His use
And
Needs
But don’t ask for anything in return
ever
He doesn’t give
He just takes
His Needs Are Always
First.
He is the King of Nothing.
He used to tell me that,
He would shake his empty Bourbon
Glass at me, the ice
Hard
tinkling
and boom across the room/house/yard,
“I am the king of nothing, and you are my pawn, go make
me a drink!”
I would always make a double
Even when he didn’t ask me too.
I was always waiting for him
To pass out
Or leave town
or
go to work
Just be gone.
Mom #2 too.
I am a good bartender
I know just how to make a rum and coke
And bourbon or whisky
So you will be asleep in two drinks.
I never drink
Anymore.
My Father
Is
Dead.
***
Mothers Day is hard for me.
Every holiday or event
That is supposed to be about me
I freak out.
I don’t want too anymore.
This story is my way
Out.
There are no more
Secrets
For
Me.
I am bringing out the skeletons
dancing with them
Bony knees
hard kisses
Fingers in the ribs
I’m going to nuke
Those
Sons of bitches.
I don’t want to ever go back.
***
I have not seen my Real Mom (#1)
For 14 years.
Last time I knew she was living here in puddletown.
I have an Aunt here too, a few of them and an Uncle
And grandparents.
They don’t want me either
No one talks to me
It’s too painful
For
them.
Big old family
I don’t know any of them.
I can’t remember their last names
So I can’t find them.
I did spend some time trying
To find my Mom #1
A couple of years ago.
I just wanted to know if she was
dead
Or
not
I kept telling myself.
I stopped when I realized
I didn’t know what she would be like now.
It scared me.
I won’t live in fear any more.
If they wanted me they
would have found me.
Cowards.
I’m done looking for people who wish
I had
Never
Been
Born.
Wanting them to
Love
Me.
***
So I do feel better, and I made it though
at least a small part of the story.
That’s what this is about anyway
Me
Surviving, succeeding, breaking the
Chain
Pain
Bonds
Ending my own torture.
Taking back my
Power
Of Control.
I never wanted to
Be a
King.
***
Just today, Just imagine,
Growing in Truth,
H

Busy Busy, gimme a break

Today is May 5,2004
I have too many plates spinning today.
In Between
the dentist appointments for all the children
and
the work I am trying to complete
and
the world issues I want to solve
and
the shameless self promotion I need
to continue
and
my Ebay auction site being back up and running
and
I need to take a shower too.
So this will be short and sweet
I need a clone.
I need two more hands attached
some where
handy.
I need some one to buy something
from me today.
I need a new spine
mine is killing me.
I need roller skate feet.
Go see my Ebay stuff
and buy something.
That was a secret
psychic
subliminal
message
to your wallet.
Write to me,
Have you ever been too busy
for your own life?
Do you ever feel
sucked in
strung out
turdish?
I feel like a floater today
I think it will take at least one more cup of coffee to
bring me around.
I do have a quote for you today...
Here it goes:
"The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure
one of them is a match."
~ Will Rogers
Energy Quotes
I'm off to make fire!
What are you doing today?
Just today, Just Imagine.
Growing in Truth,
H

The Adventure Begins for our Trusty Heros Mate Man And Hot Grrl

Today is May 4,2004
I have been dreaming of sex
every night for the last week.
I wonder if that means I am getting
too much
or too little.
I have been dreaming
of me and my mate
watching a lesbian
orgy.
We have a great time with each
other and watch the "show",
hey, it's just a dream...get over it.
I miss touching boobs, just a little.
I was a lesbian for many years.
When I met my mate
I was dating a nice-ish
butch Lawyer Dyke
that liked her sex way
too rough for me.
Plus she was wacky,
not in a good way,
I was trying to figure out how
to break up with her
when Mate Man came on the scene.
Actually, my mate is only the third
Man I have Been Serious With.
(the other two were when I was A teenager)
I don't generally find Men attractive
beyond friendship levels.
I have slept with a lot of both sexes
but men were only when I was really young
and trying to figure out the world, and
my place in it.
I was molested and raped
by both sexes as a child.
You would think that would
make me not want anything
to do with sex.
I like sex, now.
(after lots of Therapy... Thanks Doc!)
But Men do tend to
freak me out, in general.
(Except Faggs...I love Flame Boyz!)
I thought that women had to be
"safer" as sex partners,
for lots of obvious reasons.
Then I grew up and found out that I
was the one that was
unsafe,
because I sucked
at picking sane and safe partners
no matter what their gender.
Mean people really do suck.
When I met my now
Mate for Life
we were working at Brandon Hospital.
(that's in Florida, for those who care)
I was working the graveyard shift
on the Mother and Baby Floor
and he was the graveyard
lab supervisor.
He is the best
Vampire I have ever seen.
He was the one that all the
straight single nurses were talking about.
I was trying to hide my sexual preference
from all my co-workers
Because the level of Bigotry
in Florida about Queers
is almost unbelievable.
(All you Southern Florida Dykes
Know what I'm Talkin bout, Yeah Sista
It Sucks in SwampTown bein A Queer.)
Being that I worked on a womans floor
it was so much more important
that no one know that I
was A Huge Flaming Dyke.
They
were so perverted!
Like I'm gonna think cleaning
up a woman after childbirth
was some kinda sexy.
Wackos.
None the less I needed my Job
to take care of myself and my
oldest son.
I was sent down to the lab
with a rush order on some
14 year old crack Mom Pee.
(so they could prove that she was high
and snatch her newborn baby from her)
As I walked into the lab
There was this big
bald, guy standing behind the counter.
There were so many overhead lights in that place
he looked like he had a halo
because of the lights bouncing off
his big ole bald head.
(I think Telly Sevalis was hot)
And I saw a ring of
light around his whole being,
really...
He was glowing.
We exchanged pleasantries, but
he was not in charge of menial tasks
such as documenting,
the incoming crack mom pee.
So some chick stepped up to help me.
He says that as soon as I left he went
to the log book to find out
where I worked and
who I was.
That night he did rounds in
ICU and No-natal. Those are at the other end of
the Floor I worked on.
He looked Real Nice in the lab coat and scrubs.
All the nurses started talking as soon as
he left our floor.
He did make a point of finding me
(I was hiding in the back reading)
and saying Hi.
The nurses were in a tizzy.
He was trying to break it off
with one of the L&D nurses
at the time.
He had not looked for her
but he did find me
and everyone noticed.
Long story short
he started trying to find me
whenever we were on the same schedule
and he had rounds on my floor.
I thought he was nice,
but not like more than friend nice.
( I wanted to do him, just because he is hot,
but in the lesbian world,
generally speaking,
good lesbians don't crush on boys)
As I mentioned
Before
I was a Practicing Lesbo
and not "Looking"
especially not for a Man.
(I had been exclusive to Grrrls
for more than 6 years at that time)
The nurses kept telling me that he would
make a great husband, that every one
of the single nurses
(that were not gunning for a doctor that is)
were trying to catch his eye.
That I should "go for it".
Yuck!
(just as a side, the "nice guy" Label sucks tough
titty, because those "good" guys never get any and end up
with lots of female "friends")
So, I started having breaks with him, and dinner
in the cafeteria and smoke breaks.
He is really very funny
and he tells the most terrible dirty jokes
(I didn't like that part, and told him so,
I was a prude back then)
And He was just sweet and nice
and HOT.
It took some of the pressure off of me at work
to explain myself all the time.
So, he finally asked me out on a date.
I stood him up.
He forgave me and asked again.
I stood him up again.
But the second time I called
from Naples
I was partying with a group of rich
white dykes...
And I felt bad about standing him up again.
I'm not a heartless monster, don't you know.
We talked for four hours.
I finally told him why I was
standing him up all the time.
Because I don't like boys.
He took it in stride, said he understood
and said that he wouldn't
mind still getting together for
a friendly lunch.
I could even Bring my Son.
So, we went to lunch.
We talked, he was great with my son.
We talked about my life
(just a little)
and his
(just a little)
and started to really get to know each other.
(still doing that getting to know thing BTW)
He said that he wasn't concerned with me
being a queer, he just thought I was cool
and wanted to get to know me, even
if it was just for friends.
He has a hard time making real friends too.
So I was happy that I had found a friend.
One that I didn't have to lie to.
Then he went and said something that
really changed my life.
We were sitting there,
with our
Fried Chicken Salads and Beer
at Tadpoles
in Valrico
and we were talking about
Love Relationships.
(I had just escaped from my crazy dyke lover,
of five years,
and run away back home to Florida from Portland)
I was saying how I didn't
ever
want to be in another long term relationship.
I just wanted to screw around, conquer some chicks
and have some fun.
And He said,
"You know,
Falling in Love is not
an act of Surrender."
That may not mean anything to you
but at the time, it was pure
magic for me.
I thought about that for days and days after that.
Actually that moment was when I stared to recover.
I was in such a dark and tainted
place inside.
I felt that I was
unlovable
ugly
stupid
inept
and bound to continue being a failure.
It was that moment that I
thought to my self
"Hey, now what's that mean
and why did it have such a huge effect on me?"
I went out with him again.
After a Couple of un-dates,
I realised that I liked him
as more than a friend.
I told him.
He was glad.
It took 6 more weeks before I
slept with him.
I was nervous I wouldn't like boy parts anymore.
So was he.
(scared I wouldn't like it)
Let me tell you,
I still don't find men attractive in that way.
But he rocks my world.
I mean really rocks my world.
Like OH LORDY GRRL!
He asked me to marry him six weeks later.
I'll tell that story later.
It a good one too.
It took me three+
years to say yes. He waited.
We have been together for almost nine years now.
Married for 5.
I won't let him call me his wife.
So we are mates.
That's how he became Mate Man
and I am of course,
Hot Grrl.
We cruise chicks together,
and I'll only watch lesbo porn with him
(I still don't like it all that much)
and we can talk about anything because we
are friends and lovers and parents
together, and we don't have to lie.
I have been able to continue my recovery
from my past abuse
and not miss a step.
With him, beside me, always
and trust me thats not always
pretty.
I am now a humanist.
I don't really belong with the
queer population, anymore.
I miss them,
but they don't want me because I'm
sleeping with a boy, it's even
worse that I
breed
with them.
And I don't belong with the straight
population, because I'm not.
(straight in any way)
And The Bisexuals that I have met
have been swingers.
I am not, I am into monogamy.
The Drag Queens and
Transgendered folks have
always been open to my freakism
but how do you meet them in the real world?
Abuse survivors don't talk, so how do I reach them?
So... where, Oh where, am I to
make friends?
Well, it's harder than it was in high school.
(I didn't do well then either, My Dad Kept sleeping with all
of my friends, and teachers and all the single Moms of my
friends, that bastard)
So, I don't have many social
contacts.
It can be very lonely.
I wish this world was easier to fathom.
So, now you know even more about me,
how about giving me a little
info that is, about you.
Can you relate?
Are you Lonely tonight?
Have you figured it all out?
If you know any answers,
take pity
please let me know.
I guess thats all for today, folks.
I have work to do.
So I better get to it.
I'll post what I get done today In
Works In Progress
later, tonight.
I will be online at
8:00- 8:30pm PST, if
you want to tell me it all.
Later all,
Just Today, Just Imagine
Growing in Truth,
H
P.S. I just finished reading and
getting approval to publish
this story from Mate Man,
I was just being all sexy and stuff.
(I read it to him in bed)
He laughed and liked it.
As I was being all saucy,
I turned around and tried to walk
real slinky away from him.
You know the one that goes
the walls are made of magnets
and your hips are made of steel.
I am good at this one.
He started Cracking up...
That was not what I was going for.
He came over to my now,
totally deflated self,
and pulled a long tail of toilet paper out
of the back of my pants.
I guess I didn't notice that
the last time I was in there.
He
is the really funny one
and Said,
"Oh Hot Grrl!
Wait! You do have a tail!"
I almost broke my arm
falling down
laughing.
Just you wait Mate Man,
Just you Wait.
H

Sex Fest 2004 and the rest of the weekend

Today is May 3, 2004
Today I Have spent too much Farking
time on this web site.
I have been rebuilding my new page
(not this one)
because it crashed over the weekend.
I am such a genius
I had to make it harder
(than the first time I spent 4 hours building a page)
and try to improve this one while I was at it.
So, to your right
(insert Vanna here)
you will see some of the blogs
I am currently addicted to.
You will be too
I am sure of it.
My weekend
went so
well
that I have nothing charming to say.
My mate and I spent as much time together
and as naked as possible
(that was the best part)
and the kids all had their own things
going on.
Thanks Universe!
I needed that break, it's been weeks since I could
relax.
Today I am trying to finish the table
that is on the
works in progress page
I changed it again...
This is My Third attempt at the top
I want to kick it.
It's Mocking me from the studio
I can hear it giggling at me when I walk by.
I say "you talkin to me?"
real threating like and it just sits
there, damn table.
I also decide to start making
floor cloths again
I'll be working on the first
in my new line of
Slobber Mats
for all our pets.
And Under the Trash Can Mats
for our homes.
I love making these
little rugs
I will probably do some place mats
and such for the outdoor
weather we are having of late.
Look for those in
"Other Art".
Other than that
today is the last of a
string of pretty days here in puddle town.
I intend to get out in it before it
fizzles out.
I will try to remember to take pictures of my work today
and then remember to sit down and futz with them
and upload them
all for you guys
(Gosh) I love you Man.
No really, just because some of you have asked for
more current pictures...so
I'll get on that asap.
(watch me now)
Would you all My Wonderful Regulars mind
letting me know how this new page is looking
to you?
Do you like it better?
Tell me you Love me...
Oh Oops!
I lost my train of thought again...La LA LA...
It was a Very Nice Weekend!
Later All,
H