Mothers Day Part 1

Today is May 6, 2004
I will start with a run
down of my day so far
Because I know you are
wondering what exciting things
Will happen to me today
Right?
Well, I did get to do
something really cool today.
I met with the people that
I will working with on a
Mural with for a
Local elementary school
It is the coolest school I have ever
Been inside of.
As an Art Magnet School
There is art of every kind
And relating to every aspect of learning
On every wall, and filling
Every cabinet.
I saw Georgia O’Keefe
Relating to math
And watercolors done with
Different techniques
And mixed media, and sculptures
Galore.
It was very fun to be inside
a place that really
Helps nurture the creator
In us all.
I loved it, I wish
I could be there every day.
I’ll be working with some pretty
Great people
Big and smallish.
I get to work with
Four super cool kids
I met three of them today.
By the time they left for class
I just wanted
To cancel the day and stay there and
Paint or make something with these
Totally cool people.
I think I would have liked to have been a teacher.
But, I’ll see them again in a week
And we will start painting in 4 weeks.
That will be fun.
They all have really cool names too.
Lucky kids.
Then I came home and took the
Little one for a walk
In the sunshine.
That was great too.
That’s it so far.
***
I spent the day
Yesterday
Being very busy
And harried.
I was thinking about something
In my back brain that
Didn’t really
Surface.
One of those things that
chews
at you
But you don’t know what it is.
Sometimes when I feel that way
I’m really getting stuff from the people
around me.
I feel other people’s feelings
Sometimes.
I can shield myself
Pretty well from feeling/hearing the people around
Me, but sometimes when I
Am preoccupied or in a lot of
Pain
it gets through.
So I kept telling my self, don’t worry its not you
It’s the kids because of them
Going to the dentist for the first time, and
My mates not feeling so great,
Because he had to get dental work done too.
Or whatever else I could tell myself.
But the pit in my stomach continued to
Grow, and I felt increasingly anxious
For no apparent reason.
the day went on.
By that night I was crying while
Watching A kid Movie.
I was feeling despondent,
Depressed, and scared.
I just couldn’t figure out about what.
Of course, no one around me
Ever knew I was feeling weird at all.
I can have all kinds of things going on inside
And no one would ever know.
I learned how to do that when I was a child.
This morning while I was taking a shower
(Thank you universe for small miracles)
I was listening to the local radio station
And they are doing a contest for Mothers Day.
You have to write a Haiku poem
About your Mom and you’ll win this great prize.
For Her.
A lot of them were funny, and some just stupid.
I was laughing along with them
And the next minute I was
Crying
Hard.
It came to me that I always get kind of freaky
Around this time of year
Or any holiday that may have something to do
With Me.
***
I have sweat running down my back right this minute
This is making me nervous just writing about it…
What will you think? I don’t care
I don’t care if your reading this, I don’t care if nobody is
This is my story, I will tell it and be done
I will end this here and now…
Watch out… some bloody bits are on the way
Stop here if you want
I want too.
Just do it…
Ok
***
My Birth Mother is/was
(I don’t know if she is alive or dead)
Not a stable Lady upstairs
Or in her heart.
She married my Father
And had me when she was twenty years old.
I was born in September of
1969.
Summer of Love.
Not for me.
She left and divorced my Father
When I was nine months old.
I have one solid memory of her
From when I was a little girl.
I don’t know if it’s real or not.
I don’t know if any of my memories
Are real or not
Sometimes
I mean really
It gets confusing.
She had had a dream
It was a message
From
God
That told her to pack she and I up and backpack to California
(we were in St Petersburg Florida at the time)
So she could become a
Star.
Had To Become A
Star.
It was a mission
A message
From
God.
I’ve never had a message from God
It has to be pretty compelling
I would assume.
My father did not want her to go
(of course)
And told her, that she could not take me with her
(he thought that would make her stay, it had nothing to do
with me)
She left both of us.
I guess
(this is where I don’t know what really happened)
she tried to keep in touch somewhat.
Over the next 13 years
I never heard from her.
I guess my Dad didn’t want me to
get those messages, cards and letters
That she sent
(or says she did)
because I never got
any.
There was a Mystery Christmas box I remember
When I lived in
Tennessee
I would have been 5 or six at the time.
I remember a bunny hand puppet; you know the one that
was on
Captain Kangaroo?
It was one that looked like that.
Was there A Kermit the frog too?
I remember having a Kermit the frog at that time too.
Maybe she gave it to me.
I didn’t know until 10-12 years later that
The box
had been from her.
My father remarried when I was four.
That was mom #2 but #1 in my mind.
I’ll tell the story of mom #2 later.
It’s just as bad.
Probably worse.
Anyway
(I feel like I need a drink now
and I wish I still smoked)
When I was twelve
I was searching in my parent’s bedroom
For some handy drugs, Money, or anything really.
They searched my room all the time so I felt free to do the
same to them
Most of my drugs came from them anyway, and I was
running low.
I had customers at the time and couldn’t find what I needed
On the street.
Drug dealers can be a unreliable bunch.
I wasn’t, I was a great dealer
I thought about my customers needs
And I made a lot of money.
Most of them were adults.
***
Back to my story,
I found the huge bag of the pink hearts that I was looking for
(I think they were stolen from the local hospital)
and also
A little pile of pink cards, in the bottom of a drawer.
When I see pink now my skin crawls.
Inside the envelopes were letters from my Mom
I had never seen them, and it didn’t look like My moms
handwriting,
She is a lefty.
This had palm trees and little people drawn on it and talked
about
Taking me to Disneyland, and spending the Summer with
me, on the beach
in California.
WTF?
I remember sitting there and smelling the envelopes
My little heart racing
My mind swirling
Who was this woman?
Where did this letter come from?
***
When my Dad Remarried
He told me that Mom#2 was my real Mom.
I don’t remember that, I only have
real memories of my time after Mom #2,
So I had always just thought she was my
Mom.
I didn’t know she wasn’t
That there was another one out there
And she seemed nice
She wrote me letters that smelled pretty
She had pretty handwriting
She said nice things to me
She wanted me
I wanted to be her daughter.
***
I put it all back and never said a word, to anyone.
Later in the same year
My Grandmother, my brother, my cousin, and myself
All went shopping together.
My cousin was sitting at the table in a restaurant
We had stopped at for lunch.
While he was chewing away and swinging his legs
He turns and says to me,
“I saw your Mom on that Movie last night on TV.
She was pretty. You don’t look like her though you look like
Uncle ___.” (my Dad)
I said, “what? My Mom wasn’t on TV last night, you stupid
head.”
“Yes, she was! I saw her, your REAL Mom! She had blonde
hair and she was pretty!”
“You are an idiot, you little turd, you did not see my
Mom
on TV last night, now shut up!”
My grandmother made us stop talking and eat our lunch
And you didn’t argue with my Nana.
So we ate.
When we got home, Nana called my Dad
And My Aunt.
And there were behind closed door shouting
matches between people in the family.
And No One said A word to Me.
My Dad Came and got us Early From my Grandparents
House.
We were supposed to have stayed the weekend.
I got some real nice new clothes though.
I don’t remember what happened after that.
I know we went home,
I know my Dad and
My Now I don’t know who the Hell you Are
Mom #2
Drank and More
I remember being really scared.
I woke up that night
And in my dark room
Someone
(a man)
Was sitting in a chair in the corner
in the darkest shadow.
I could hear him talking to me
real quite voice.
Almost couldn’t hear him, it was so low.
He didn’t know I was awake.
I don’t remember what happened after that.
Except for one sentence
“you won’t remember
this in the morning,
when you wake up
you will feel
relaxed.”
The next morning I
remember
the huge Dog we had
being sent in to
Wake me up.
My Dad always did that, he thought it was funny.
My 150 pound dog would jump on my
bed and painfully walk around on me
Scratching at the covers and my skin to dig
me out of the comforter.
While my Dad stood at the door
And Yelled “Get Her Sam!”
Then I have another big blank.
Head injuries do that to you.
***
At sometime
I decided to talk
to my cousin again or I talked to someone else
I can’t
Remember, really.
I just remember the
information.
My Aunt and her family had watched a pretty famous
(at the time)
Movie on TV.
And they had recognized my Real Mom in it.
Because of the stars that were in it, they were really excited.
She (Mom #2) had the only other female speaking role in the
movie (Besides the female Star).
They felt like they knew some one who was famous.
They waited till the end of the movie
(it’s a really long one)
And watched the credits to see if it was her.
It was.
She did not use a
Stage Name.
They had talked about this in front of my little cousin
he had asked questions
they had answered them honestly.
Thanks to my Aunt that’s how the truth had come out
About my Mom
About Me.
My Mom was a
Real Movie Star.
And she had written to me
And she really wanted me
She was the only one who did
Who wanted me.
So after I found out the truth
The family talked about it a little.
My father said she was a
crazy woman.
Who had left me?
Because
she got a
call from
God.
He told me he met my
(Movie Star)
Mom at a party,
That she had been high on LSD
That she was spitting on people
From the tops of doorways
(I don’t understand it either)
That she was crazy
That he was protecting
Me.
That I acted just like her
] sometimes
and that couldn’t be allowed
because he was protecting
Me
From
Her.
He had always taken care of me
and my Mom #2 was my
Real Mom Because she had taken care of me
All my life.
And my Real Mom #1 had disappeared anyway
since she
Had made that movie.
And No one knew where she was.
She was lost
To
me.
Wait!
I thought to myself
there was a return address on the letters
I wasn’t supposed to know about.
So I decided I had to find
Her.
Within a matter of weeks
I had devised a fool proof
Escape plan.
I stole my grandfathers van
Early in the morning
I was almost a 007 secret agent.
I had the shortest girl in school join me.
We went the wrong way
Heading for
California.
We crashed the van.
We got arrested in
Mulberry
For shoplifting
powdered doughnuts
in a gas station
across from the
cop shop.
My father and Mom#2
Had not noticed
that the Van or I were gone yet.
They were to hung over
That morning
from the drugs I had put in their
Drinks the
night before
so they would sleep
I had work to do.
I changed all the clocks
in the house
they got up
late.
I was in Mulberry.
The cops
called my house
and woke them
up
They came to get me.
Mom #2 slammed my head into
The dashboard all the way home.
About 20 Miles.
My Dad Beat me with the belt
Buckle End
Until I bled
A lot.
I screamed so loud the neighbors called the
cops
They came and talked to my Dad
Outside
He told them what I had done
They went away
Left me there.
I stopped screaming after that
Because I knew it wouldn’t do any
good
Anyway.
And if they came
It would get worse.
So I learned all about being in pain
And keeping quiet
And still
And
Quiet.
When the swelling went down
two weeks later
I went back to school.
I used a lot of drugs
never went to class.
My father hated me.
And told me terrible things at night
In the darkest shadow
Of my room.
When he thought I was
Asleep.
I never made it to
California.
I wouldn’t meet my Real
Mom #1
Until four years later
When I was 16.
Until my Father Really
Was done
With
Me.
***
Mother’s day is great.
If I can stay in the moment
And remember that this day is about
Me.
I don’t have any Mothers now.
Neither of those Moms had really wanted me then
And still don’t
Today.
My father still wants me
For His use
And
Needs
But don’t ask for anything in return
ever
He doesn’t give
He just takes
His Needs Are Always
First.
He is the King of Nothing.
He used to tell me that,
He would shake his empty Bourbon
Glass at me, the ice
Hard
tinkling
and boom across the room/house/yard,
“I am the king of nothing, and you are my pawn, go make
me a drink!”
I would always make a double
Even when he didn’t ask me too.
I was always waiting for him
To pass out
Or leave town
or
go to work
Just be gone.
Mom #2 too.
I am a good bartender
I know just how to make a rum and coke
And bourbon or whisky
So you will be asleep in two drinks.
I never drink
Anymore.
My Father
Is
Dead.
***
Mothers Day is hard for me.
Every holiday or event
That is supposed to be about me
I freak out.
I don’t want too anymore.
This story is my way
Out.
There are no more
Secrets
For
Me.
I am bringing out the skeletons
dancing with them
Bony knees
hard kisses
Fingers in the ribs
I’m going to nuke
Those
Sons of bitches.
I don’t want to ever go back.
***
I have not seen my Real Mom (#1)
For 14 years.
Last time I knew she was living here in puddletown.
I have an Aunt here too, a few of them and an Uncle
And grandparents.
They don’t want me either
No one talks to me
It’s too painful
For
them.
Big old family
I don’t know any of them.
I can’t remember their last names
So I can’t find them.
I did spend some time trying
To find my Mom #1
A couple of years ago.
I just wanted to know if she was
dead
Or
not
I kept telling myself.
I stopped when I realized
I didn’t know what she would be like now.
It scared me.
I won’t live in fear any more.
If they wanted me they
would have found me.
Cowards.
I’m done looking for people who wish
I had
Never
Been
Born.
Wanting them to
Love
Me.
***
So I do feel better, and I made it though
at least a small part of the story.
That’s what this is about anyway
Me
Surviving, succeeding, breaking the
Chain
Pain
Bonds
Ending my own torture.
Taking back my
Power
Of Control.
I never wanted to
Be a
King.
***
Just today, Just imagine,
Growing in Truth,
H