Today on the other side of a rotten smelling, task ridden yesterday...I woke up thinking about this.
Yesterday, the oldest and I finally had a long overdue, heart to heart talk. With him being old enough to work and with school, friends, and now a girlfriend...I never see him, and when I do...of late it's been surly, attitude, back-talk, lies...you know... 16 year old Male stuff...I have wanted to whip him with a switch for the last oh.....6 months or so.....mind you, I have never disciplined with spanking of anykind...my kids will never know pain from my hands.
I am the worst form of torture though...we have to sit down and TALK and LISTEN...OMG you would think I was burying them alive or something...my kids tell me that normal parents don't make their children right essays about their issues, or when they get in trouble they don't get grounded for two whole weeks at a time! And when they get in trouble their parents do not make them talk about it...that's the bottom line, from what I hear these days.
I make my kids wait till I am ready to be calm and fair too...then we call a family meeting...and we sit down and look into each others eyes and we talk....if at anytime we get to a point where we are not working on the issue anymore...then we stop and come back when both parties can talk...it's a real pain in the ass to tell you the truth. I was a kid that just got the shit beat out of you, that's when you found out you did something wrong...if the beating was real bad or there was belt snapping on the way down the hall you knew you had really screwed the pooch...so I make my kids talk it out instead...My kids hate it though, even more so when after we work something out I make them go write three pages about the experience and then show it to me. They really hate that.
The water torture round here is "MOM's gonna talk to you!" It could take 2 minutes if it's a small offense, I talk, they repeat back and then add their own, I repeat back and then state clearly my point and my expectations...then we move on. Break a big one...like shoplifting...I will march your narrow white ass to the police station and have you arrested...Been there done that...so I can be a bad ass, but usually I only have to teach a lesson like that one time, then we move on. Real world consequences...I also make them say yes and no Mam, instead of OK, What or whatever else kids say when you call them or ask them to do something. That means they understand that I am Boss...and they give me the respect I expect, or pay the consequences...Talking and writing...oh the humanity! ( You Southern readers will be slapping your foreheads right now going...Well of course you teach your kids to say yes and no Mam!...what else would they say?...I know, but up here, they think it's an insult to be called mam and sir...I know, I know...I don't get it either, how can the kids tell who's boss and when?)
My boys are going to be great men if it kills me (somedays I think it is making my life span shorter). I am sending out imperfect Men into this world...Imperfect Men that will not tolerate injustice, will talk back to authority, will stand up for what they believe in, that have a social as well as a self consciousness, Men that know the truth about the world, and how to work in/with this reality without loosing yourself, and MEN that will be good Fathers, and mates. They won't beat their kids, they won't hit their mates, they won't be thieves or drug addicts or drop outs....Because I expect them not too, I show them through my daily hard work how much value they have, and how much the world needs good HUMANS like them in it. I have good boys...Everyone tells me that, I know it...But it's not because they fear me, it's because they love me enough to want to please me, to protect me, to protect their family...To love each other, so they will never be orphans, or alone in the world. Chain Breakers of the highest order are we.
Yesterday, the oldest and I worked through something that took up most of four hours of crying, talking, yelling and in the end...A good resolution. A good, solid agreement and two (really the whole five...no eight including the fur people in this home...it's been tense and snarly) much happier people at the end of it all.
My oldest is special, in that he so so mature, that it is hard for him socially. And you just try living with a Mom that is a psychic...he can't even try to lie...he knows I'll know...so it's really hard to be really bad in this house, that works for me, but it's hard on him...because he knows that when he brings his friends home to meet me (which he has to do if he wants to go of and do stuff with them) he worries that they will lie or misrepresentation themselves and I'll know, thats a real mood killer...but I am not judgmental, and I know we are all imperfect... I only look for danger...he is starting to trust that now...but it's taken a year for him to really trust that I won't judge some of these people that he brings home too harshly...but I do limit things if I sense too much baggage...most of his friends love me...they do not know I am psychic...really no one in everyday life does. His friends are always wanting to hang at his house, and he wants to hang anywhere else but here, because that's cooler...but his friends like me, and I got a pool table....yes I am smart...so I can keep an eye on them so to speak...I also let him cuss (not all the bad words but the everyday ones)...so that's way cool...he really doesn't cuss that much now...but his friends think I am the cool Mom, I know their music, I am an artist, I talk and have fun with them, but then I "seem" to leave them alone...they have fun, and they are safe...Except for burning in hell for the cussing...not when the little guys are around BTW...I have a ton of rules....they seem to like it. They tell him he's lucky to have such cool parents, he asks them if they want to trade....it's a laugh riot...not really.
It was worth every second of my time, and yes parenting like this is a bitch on time management...I mean I lost a whole days work...and my other kids lost time with me...but it was needed, and it worked out great, and I don't regret being short on funds this week, because my son is worth more than money or any other thing that it could bring. It is so time consuming, I sometimes dream about running away...but I never would, I am the only one that can ever find the remote, what would they do without me?
I have a full day of getting around town to pick up some free stuff for the studio makeover...I love www.Freecycle.org , no one has track lighting to give away yet, but I am keeping my fingers crossed. If you don't know about the freecycle in your area...you must find out about it ASAP! Anyway, I am getting some shelves and some curtains from some local gifters...and it's going to make things much nicer in here.
Then I am going over to the Rebuilding center (recycled home improvement type stuff) and get some molding, and screen building materials to build a little fake wall for my office area.
Busy, busy...have a good one everyone, stay in the moment, and do something good for yourself today!
Happy Saturday!
Heather
BAD! Kitty Art Feature of the day!
